[Using Jesus as a home invader deterrent]
This is the doorway to my bedroom. The guy in the picture is Jesus (artist's conception). So if some night... Someone breaks into my home... And comes upstairs to beat the crap out of me...
He's gotta get by Jesus first.
This truth works on more than one level... It even works without the picture.
74 comments
He's gotta get by Jesus first.
Well, no. He has to get by a picture of some guy's idea of what Jesus looked like - probably based on the old Italian Renaissance artists' paintings. Plus his name was Yeshua, anyway.
Me, I depend on a 100 lb. Chesapeake Bay Retriever who sleeps on my bed. And Chesapeakes don't take quickly to strangers walking into the house at night.
So, a rendering of somebody's idea of what Jesus might have looked like is going to protect you? Why not just get a lock on that door?
And just how long have you had this delusion? BTW, if I wanted to come into your home with a baseball bat, your silly pic of Jesus would not stop me, but would probably be the first victim.
heh, reminds me of that joke where a burglar is sneaking through someone's house and their parrot keeps saying "look out, Jesus will get you!". Finally the crook can't take it anymore and asks the bird his name. "Moses" he said. The burglar says "who the fuck would name their parrot Moses?". "The same ones who named their pitbull Jesus".
Reminds me of an old joke...
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when
"Jesus is watching you" the voice repeated.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses", replied the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What kind of idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus."
No more locks,
So, What Do Ya Think? My poetry good or what?
*looks down at his dog, Bob*
1. What if they come in by your window?
2. If they come in by your door then whats to stop them taking the picture too
3. And, who at 3AM in the dark while burgling some-ones house is going to think:
You're a headline waiting to happen.
I was having some difficulty expressing my thoughts on this one succinctly, but this absolutely nails it.
Want to know what really works? A 100-lb Shutzhund-trained German Shepherd.
You can even name him Jesus, if you like.
Jesus was a pacifist , you retard. If you need some kind of religious artwork in you door, you may as well put an angel with a sword there, not Jesus. And a stick under your bed would be even more effective!
Well, I don't know, it might work, if he has this picture.
I can imagine this Jesus saying something like "Stop right there, punk, this is MY house you're breaking into".
image
Not that I have any clue what makes him think a picture of Jesus is a deterrent, but what's this all about?:
"This truth works on more than one level... It even works without the picture."
So if you're too lazy to hang a picture of Jesus you can just sort of pretend you did and it works equally well? Errr, actually I guess I do see how that works.
Well, if the offenderis a devout Christian, he might be shamed into leaving, but if not...and perhaps not even then...
Burglar who has just broken into Malott's house: Ha ha ha! I will burgle* this guy's house and kill him and there is absolutely nothing that can stop me! No human being alive can--wait. Wait, what is that? A picture of Jesus? Well, that certainly puts a damper in my plans! I mean it would have been easy to do the things I mentioned if that painting weren't there, but now that I know it is, I am filled with guilt and remorse. I hereby renounce my sinful ways and will never rob or murder again. Hallelujah!"
*yes, I know "burgle" is not an actual word.
I'm with the "dogs are a deterrent" crowd.
Anyone coming into our house uninvited will encounter a 70lb Labrador and an 80lb Bernese Mountain Dog
Good luck with that....
There's also a pump action rifle close by.
Of course I also keep a couple of pictures of jeebus on me just in case the dogs and gun fail.....
My family relies on an extremely noisy White German Shepherd/Chow mix. She will tear up your ass and then some.
Oh and don't screw with my dad. Or me, if pushed.
Pictures of saints and other religious figures only ward off vampires. Besides, who'd want to break into your house just to "beat the crap out of" you, anyway? Wouldn't they be just as likely to steal your stuff? Everything, that is, but your Jesus picture.
No more locks,
So, What Do Ya Think? My poetry good or what?
I'm gonna try working this into a song!
You know, a picture of Jesus vs a thief... thief probably wouldn't pay any attention at all. Unless of course he was looking for artwork, but it's sort of unlikely that a picture of Jesus in a typical home has any value.
This fundie statement reminded me spontaneously of a good joke I'd like to tell here for your amusement. Enjoy!
"A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, as he reaches for them, he hears
"Jesus is watching you."
Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears:
"Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot.
"Who are you?" the burglar asks. "Moses," the bird replied. "Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed. "I dunno," Moses answered, "I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
The only way this would work, would be if Jesus is painted on a massive, armour-plated, multiple locked door.
"The guy in the picture is Jesus (artist's conception). So if some night... Someone breaks into my home... And comes upstairs to beat the crap out of me...
He's gotta get by Jesus first.
This truth works on more than one level... It even works without the picture."
In that case, I'd better invest in a set of The Beatles figures then:
image
Even Jesus has gotta get by John Lennon first. [/smartarse]
I can just see it. Thief breaks into home, sees the Jesus picture and thinks that this guy is the forgiving sort and needs to be relieved of his worldly possessions. After all, he's a good Christian isn't he?
@ Amandaanything but Christian , sorry, he's not gonna give a crap.
Considering how many of them are in prison, it's a good bet he will be.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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