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Quote# 32409

Masturbation is Evil


Remember that Jesus is everywhere. He is in your heart and mind as you jerk off over a porno mag.

He is also in that little blob of semen you wipe off the floor and flush down the toilet.

How could you do that to baby Jesus?


Next time you feel like masturbating... please spare a thought for Jesus. Thank you.


33LB, ChristianForums 90 Comments [12/15/2007 2:08:15 PM]
Fundie Index: 9
WTF?! || meh
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Chocolate Lover

Nice mental imagery there.

12/15/2007 2:10:50 PM

Jesus Klingon

That Jesus is such a pervert.

12/15/2007 2:12:30 PM

Lithp

If you'll excuse the rhyming scheme, Jesus can get out of my penis.

'Sides, what do you care? According to you, he was already tortured to death once and has been ejected and flushed down the toilet a million million million million million times over. I'm sure he's used to it by now.

12/15/2007 2:21:45 PM

Mike

DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!

NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

12/15/2007 2:22:57 PM

Carnivore_Rabbit

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! What in the name of God is he smoking, and were can I get some. Unlike 33LB, i'll pass on laceing it with LSD.

On second thought I'm calling Poe!

12/15/2007 2:25:11 PM

Bryan65

33LB's favorite tune:

Don't you know I'm gonna spankey the monkey!

Heh-Heh!

Spank the monkey!

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

12/15/2007 2:26:19 PM

SilverStar

Poe. Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe. Nothing but Poe. This screams Poe to the heavens and back.

12/15/2007 2:27:32 PM

NHBJones

I read some of there boards. Nothing like teenage christians telling people about sex.

The ignorance is painful.

12/15/2007 2:32:54 PM

caitshidhe

ceiling-jesus is watching to masturbate!

12/15/2007 2:33:02 PM

Mling

Well, if Jesus insists on turning people on and then getting himself all over the floor, he's going to have to get used to it.

12/15/2007 2:45:22 PM

SaneChick

By 33LB's logic, I also shouldn't be allowed to blow my nose or take a crap...

12/15/2007 2:47:27 PM

Meg

Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten!

12/15/2007 2:53:38 PM

HeathenAngel

POE!! Please.

12/15/2007 2:56:04 PM

Jimmy

I'm sorry, but the idea that Jesus resides in my prostate is a little unsettling. I'm going to lay down now.

Also, Poe.

12/15/2007 2:58:37 PM

werewolf

Masturbate for Jesus! Yes!

12/15/2007 3:43:24 PM

protowhalepig

Next time you feel like masturbating... please spare a thought for Jesus. Thank you.



There's nothing I'm less likely to think of when fapping....

12/15/2007 3:44:20 PM

Osiris

Does that mean Jesus is in the turn I made. How could I do that to baby Jesus? Clearly defecation is a sin!

12/15/2007 3:46:10 PM

werewolf

On second thought, for hets like me, wouldn't Mary Magdalene be better? Or the other Mary - the virgin - for that matter.

There are also other hot chicks like Esther, Deborah, Rachel and so on.

12/15/2007 3:46:35 PM

APD

I burst out laughing at this. Also, by this logic, everytime you take a step you kill millions of Jesus bacterium. We must never move for Jesus!

12/15/2007 3:48:09 PM

ZugTheMegasaurus

That is possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. I actually laughed coffee out of my nose (I wouldn't recommend it).

12/15/2007 3:49:10 PM

Dewey

"Help, help, I'm being repressed!"


12/15/2007 3:57:55 PM

Brain_In_A_Jar

How could you do that to baby Jesus?

You can almost see this guy doing bambi-eyes at a tv camera and going "Pwease? For thuh ickle childwen??"

12/15/2007 4:00:06 PM

Captain Janeway

My twisted mind just thought of something. Since Christians eat bread every sunday and think it's Jesus' body, wouldn't jacking off then be a good way to serve up communion? Now THERE'S a mental picture!

12/15/2007 4:17:41 PM

Illuminatalie

Every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates.

12/15/2007 4:25:37 PM

Whydontyou.org.uk

Am I right in thinking you jerk off thinking of Jeebus?

12/15/2007 4:32:07 PM
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