*tootle-tootle-pip*
Fred: [picks up phone] He-e-llo, Fred's Fundamentalist Fire Service, Fred speaking. How can I help!
Voice On Phone: Oh God! Oh thank God! My house is on fire! Everything's on fire! I'm trapped inside with Mary and the twins!
Fred: Barney? Barney, is that you? I haven't seen you in months, how's things?
Barney: Didn't you hear? I'm trapped in a burning building with my entire family, send a firetruck, quickly!
Fred: Yeah, I heard you bud, but I meant how's things generally. You know, health, work, that kinda stuff?
Barney: Well, what with the smoke and flames and all, I think my health is getting bad real fast, but work is fine! Are you gonna send a goddamn firecrew round or not?!
Fred: Er, not.
Barney: What?!
Fred: Well with the rapture just around the corner, I figured, why bother putting out the fires now if God is going to toast the whole world later? So I sacked the crews, sold the trucks, and now I just sit waiting for the phone to ring so I can spread the message of God's love to the needy.
Barney: What those people need, Fred, is goddamn saving!
Fred: And I'm offering the greatest salvation of all! Just like yourself, Barney, using all those cuss words and skipping church, the fire you're in now is as nothing to the fires of Hell that will burn you for eternity. But welcome Jesus into your heart and and you shall be saved!
Barney: You mean you'll send someone round?
Fred: No, I mean I'll see you again in paradise when God brings forth the rapture.
Barney: Oh, thank goodness, some of the neighbours are trying to help! They've got a bucket chain going.
Fred: Resist them, Barney, they are trying to fight the will of God!
Barney: And Chuck from the bookstore has brought an axe. He's breaking his way in through the flames towards us, we're going to be okay!
Fred: Chuck? Chuck Mather?! That guy is a God hating, atheist liberal! I once heard him say he even believed in evolution?! Do you really want to be associating with such immoral people?
Barney: It's a really big axe, too! I must remember to ask him if I can borrow it. Well, see you soon, Fred, real soon...
*click*
Fred: Barney? He's gone. Lord but there's no helping some people!