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Quote# 35515

There's a fourth possibility nobody seems to be considering. Trial by ordeal worked. God would truly see to it that the guilty failed and the innocent passed.

It wasn't until we started turning our backs on God and disbelieved that it could work that it failed. If you don't believe then God will not help you.

We should bring back trial by ordeal. It is the best, most impartial way to solve a case. It allows God to speak and God knows all. If you are innocent you have nothing to fear from trial by ordeal so long as you believe.

ServantofChrist, Unenumerated 61 Comments [2/26/2008 11:30:21 PM]
Fundie Index: 4
Submitted By: ProudSecularist
WTF?! || meh
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cyborgtroy

Now, why do witches burn?

2/26/2008 11:31:19 PM

Blackvoice


Let's try it out with you first. I mean, the fire's not gonna touch you, is it? *cackles*

2/26/2008 11:35:48 PM

phoenix

It *allows* God to speak? You mean, without trial by ordeal
God wouldn't be able to speak?

2/26/2008 11:37:12 PM

Red Dragon Disciple

Because they are made out of wood?

2/26/2008 11:37:28 PM

AnonymousAsshole

I agree. Strap all you bible-thumping mother fuckers to stakes, and I'll light the fires. If god saves any of you lying bastards, I'll de-de-convert!

2/26/2008 11:37:41 PM

toothache

Torture for Jesus!!!

2/26/2008 11:40:13 PM

Mudflappus

Yeah, witches burn just fine with a healthy dose of "Holy Gasoline". I guess the events in Salem mean shit to this asshole.

2/26/2008 11:41:43 PM

tracer

Actually, that would be pretty cool.

Make the accused run through a maze full of swinging axes and randomly-released rolling boulders. If he makes it out the other side, he's clearly just as innocent as Indiana Jones was.

2/26/2008 11:42:45 PM

cyborgtroy

GOOD!

2/26/2008 11:44:55 PM

Osiris

Fine so we let innocence be determined by physical endurance and luck. Clearly this makes more sense then determining innocence through blasphemous secular ideas such as evidence and justice.

2/26/2008 11:48:41 PM

Fanatic-Templar

I like trial by combat. You can really see that the virtue god loved most was the ability to kill.

Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne!

2/26/2008 11:48:57 PM

Detrs

I have an idea: trial by ordeal to prove to us that this is the right thing to do.

We get to design the ordeal.

2/26/2008 11:50:56 PM

David D.G.

Right, like accused witches were tried by ordeal. If they float (or even dare to swim), they are guilty of witchcraft and must be burned at the stake or hanged until dead. If they sink and drown, they're innocent (and dead anyway).

Yeah, that method has no flaws in it whatsoever. (*eyeroll*)

I hope this was just a sarcastic poe post; otherwise, this idiot clearly doesn't even have the wits of an average 12-year-old.


~David D.G.

2/26/2008 11:51:41 PM

SpiderWeb

"God would truly see to it that the guilty failed and the innocent passed."

citation needed. and not the bible. you need to conclusively prove that trial by ordeal truly only harms guilty people.

2/26/2008 11:58:47 PM

Bryan65

Can we start with you?

2/27/2008 12:05:15 AM

FMG

Like Jeanne d'Arc? Who is a freaking Saint?

Cause God can be kind of a dick when he sends people to die for him?

Cause everyone knows witches float... Thats why we must build a bridge out of them!

Its bloody torture. I can make you say you are Elvis if you had the time....

2/27/2008 12:08:11 AM

James

Troll, surely?

2/27/2008 12:08:57 AM

Urh

"Can we start with you?"

Excellent point. They should be willing endure the same ordeals as the ones they want to impose on others. It encompasses both "Do unto others..." as well as "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I'll get the cement mixer warmed up, let's start making some concrete shoes.

"Trial by ordeal worked."

Well, if you set someone on fire, they WILL burn. Unless they have skin made of asbestos.

2/27/2008 12:10:11 AM

Ken1971

HEADLINE: Indiana Jones gets away with...well...anything, I guess.


2/27/2008 12:10:30 AM

Alethe

Be my guest. After all, you proposed it...

2/27/2008 12:14:14 AM

Beccs

Get the fuck off my planet!

2/27/2008 12:18:18 AM

Neserit

Yeah...back to "if she drowns, then she wasn't a witch!"
That works. *rolls eyes*

2/27/2008 12:19:48 AM

Vampirehummingbird

MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
CROWD:
A witch! A witch!
[bonk]
A witch! A witch!
MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine...
CROWD:
A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1:
We have found a witch. May we burn her?

CROWD:
Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
BEDEVERE:
How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2:
She looks like one.
CROWD:
Right! Yeah! Yeah!
BEDEVERE:
Bring her forward.
WITCH:
I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE:
Uh, but you are dressed as one.

WITCH:
They dressed me up like this.
CROWD:
Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
WITCH:
And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
BEDEVERE:
Well?
VILLAGER #1:
Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE:
The nose?
VILLAGER #1:
And the hat, but she is a witch!
VILLAGER #2:
Yeah!
CROWD:
We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
BEDEVERE:
Did you dress her up like this?
VILLAGER #1:
No!
VILLAGER #2 and 3:
No. No.
VILLAGER #2:
No.
VILLAGER #1:
No.
VILLAGERS #2 and #3:
No.
VILLAGER #1:
Yes.
VILLAGER #2:
Yes.
VILLAGER #1:
Yes. Yeah, a bit.
VILLAGER #3:
A bit.
VILLAGERS #1 and #2:
A bit.
VILLAGER #3:
A bit.
VILLAGER #1:
She has got a wart.
RANDOM:
[cough]
BEDEVERE:
What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3:
Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE:
A newt?
VILLAGER #3:
I got better.
VILLAGER #2:
Burn her anyway!
VILLAGER #1:
Burn!
CROWD:
Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
BEDEVERE:
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
VILLAGER #1:
Are there?
VILLAGER #2:
Ah?
VILLAGER #1:
What are they?
CROWD:
Tell us! Tell us!...
BEDEVERE:
Tell me. What do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2:
Burn!
VILLAGER #1:
Burn!
CROWD:
Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
BEDEVERE:
And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1:
More witches!
VILLAGER #3:
Shh!
VILLAGER #2:
Wood!
BEDEVERE:
So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3:
B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
BEDEVERE:
Good! Heh heh.
CROWD:
Oh, yeah. Oh.
BEDEVERE:
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1:
Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE:
Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #1:
Oh, yeah.
RANDOM:
Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
BEDEVERE:
Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1:
No. No.
VILLAGER #2:
No, it floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1:
Throw her into the pond!
CROWD:
The pond! Throw her into the pond!
BEDEVERE:
What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1:
Bread!
VILLAGER #2:
Apples!
VILLAGER #3:
Uh, very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1:
Cider!
VILLAGER #2:
Uh, gra-- gravy!
VILLAGER #1:
Cherries!
VILLAGER #2:
Mud!
VILLAGER #3:
Uh, churches! Churches!
VILLAGER #2:
Lead! Lead!
ARTHUR:
A duck!
CROWD:
Oooh.
BEDEVERE:
Exactly. So, logically...
VILLAGER #1:
If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE:
And therefore?
VILLAGER #2:
A witch!
VILLAGER #1:
A witch!
CROWD:
A witch! A witch!...
VILLAGER #4:
Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
BEDEVERE:
Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
CROWD:
Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
BEDEVERE:
Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]

CROWD:
A witch! A witch! A witch!
WITCH:
It's a fair cop.
VILLAGER #3:
Burn her!
CROWD:
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...

2/27/2008 12:24:13 AM

antichrist

So according to your theory, anyone that is physically incapable of handling your ordeal is a sinner?

You do know that this was stopped because it was cruel and unusual punishment, that didn't decide anything.

And if your God is so fucking powerful, he can speak for himself.

I'm so sick of these fucking bastards, I can't deal with this anymore today.

2/27/2008 12:45:28 AM

GigaGuess

And how many witches floated, now?

2/27/2008 1:07:55 AM
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