Home Archives Random Quotes Latest Comments Top 100 Submit Quote Search Log In

Quote# 3836

I had a very annoying squirrel who had gotten into my attic somehow... Anyway, I was really worrying about how I was going to get this squirrel out... I just said oh Lord, what am I going to do about this squirrel?... Well to my surprise, God answered me and said 'speak to it and tell it to leave'... I said Squirrel, In the name of Jesus I command you to take your nest and leave and not return... And do you know what? I've never heard that squirrel again since... it's gone!

CAT, Rapture Ready 30 Comments [9/1/2003 12:00:00 AM]
Fundie Index: 4
WTF?! || meh
Username:
Comment:



1 2
Gadren

So, instead of ending world hunger, God ... smote a squirrel?

1/24/2006 1:10:12 PM

CT

I wonder if it's possible that you SCARED THE FUCKING THING AWAY??

1/24/2006 1:46:49 PM

David D.G.

I'm sure the squirrel was only there in the first place because this guy is nuts. But as soon as he spoke, the squirrel realized it was the wrong kind.


~David D.G.

1/24/2006 4:09:04 PM

Darth Wang

ROFLMAO

1/24/2006 4:58:40 PM

Blurb

Oh yea? Try to get bats out of your house. I dropped 500 bucks for professional bat-proofing. They were gone in two days and have not come back. That was three years ago. Try to get a good night's sleep with a friggin' bat circling your bedroom (you feel the rush of air on your face as they pass over, otherwise, they're silent, creepy fuckers).

1/24/2006 7:24:31 PM

CousinTed

Wasn't this woman one of the superheroes-in-training on the series finale of The Tick?

'I like squirrels!'

1/24/2006 10:19:39 PM

Science is Green

Wow, that's either one smart squirrel or one dumb human- I'm putting my money on both

6/24/2007 4:20:10 PM

Puck

Br'er Squirrel, he say, "Oh shit, I'd best be gone. Else I'd lose IQ points here."

6/24/2007 6:49:22 PM

Tempus

I have bat boxes.

I really like them--they're like flying gerbils. And they do a pretty good job of keeping the mosquito population down.

6/24/2007 7:14:27 PM

Viva

God uses his power to scare away a squirrel???

Wow.

Omnipotence is just not what it used to be.


6/25/2007 1:56:02 AM

BurntBush

The Squirrel Exorcist?

6/25/2007 6:34:05 AM

Heather

I'm not surprised really, probably as soon as you started speaking the squirrel thought "oh f*** I'm living in the attic of a fundie, i'm outa here" and then it left.

6/25/2007 7:00:22 AM

Freboy

Oh, that squirrel's name is Eric. He's worshipped the devil for many years, so it was probably your mentioning of Jeebus that did it.

6/25/2007 8:58:24 AM

The Sherlockian

Ummm....no that was probably just someone below you in the house speaking to you...
but thank you for playing our game.

6/25/2007 2:16:09 PM

Ambrielle

LMAO. Jesus is embarrassed.

6/25/2007 4:01:34 PM

Jess

So God ignores all the billions of prayers to help starving kids, end wars, cure disease etc etc etc but helps you scare away a cute little squirrel? Glad to see He has His priorities straight.

6/25/2007 4:27:26 PM

codger

HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa OMG I've pissed myself. Funniest post I've seen for ages.

"In the name of jesus I command you to take your nest and not return"

HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa HaHa


6/25/2007 6:08:04 PM

The Credible Hulk

"Behold, I send you out like nuts among squirrels."

6/25/2007 6:19:48 PM

LT. Fred

"I had a very annoying ass-hole who had gotten into my PC somehow... Anyway, I was really worrying about how I was going to get this dumbass out... I just said oh Mozilla: glorious fox of kickass flame, what am I going to do about this idiot?... Well to my surprise, God answered me and said 'speak to it and tell it to leave'... I said Fundie, In the name of Bill the great Gates of monopoly I command you to take your post and leave and not return... And do you know what? I've never heard that idiot again since... it's gone!"
Fixed.
Roll on Microsoft (stupid apple with their slowness...)


6/25/2007 6:43:28 PM

Laurel

Anyone else hearing that Ray Stevens song in their head about now? (-: Was it called "When the Squirrel got Loose"?

"Law-erd have Mer-cee awn me!"

6/26/2007 10:50:44 AM

Laurel

still can't edit, so here it is:

The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into Church
I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk
Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell
But the fact that something was among us was plain to see
As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!

Chorus:
The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!
Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had religion others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weed eater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room
All the way down to the amen pew where sat Sister Bertha better-than-you
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee
But you should've seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs
She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me"
As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shame
She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names

(chorus)

Well seven deacons and the pastor got saved,
Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot
Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred rededications
And we all got baptized whether we needed it or not
Now you've heard the bible story I guess
How he parted the waters for Moses to pass
Oh the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day
Is how he put that Church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel

(Chorus)


6/26/2007 10:55:06 AM

cyborgtroy

Yeah, usually when squirrels see people or other large animals, they leave.

1/13/2008 8:13:26 PM

Ian

So does this mean that Satan is a Capybara, or a really big rat?

3/11/2009 3:51:26 PM

vaguelyhumanoid

I call Poe, or at least hope it's one.
Demons =/= squirrels.

6/10/2010 8:19:11 PM

Rapax Pringer

So God scared a squirrel away for you. Nice to see He has His priorities in order.

9/12/2010 12:05:41 PM
1 2