Since everyone else has pummelled the "I am far from ignorant" line into the dust, I'll take a different tack:
"Marriage was in fact a religious institution. It was originally meant for Adam and Eve and the marriage was performed by God."
GOD: "Do you, Adam, take this woman, Eve, to be your lawfully wedded wife, forsaking all others, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward until death?"
ADAM: "Hold on a second. What's 'sickness'? For that matter, what's 'death'"?
GOD: "Never mind, I suspect you'll find out shortly after the reception if that darned snake left apples on the menu after I crossed them off. It's just so hard to get good caterers right now. Just say, 'I do.'"
ADAM: "Okay, I guess I do. I just wish I had a better idea of what I'm getting into."
GOD: "Trust me, it's no fun knowing in advance, either. And do you, Eve, take this man, Adam, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, forsaking all others, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to obey, from this day forward until death?"
EVE: "Hey, whoa there. 'Obey'? That isn't what you asked him! 'Cherish,' wasn't that it? I'll go with that one, but this 'obey' stuff is out. And what 'others,' anyway? You mean I have a choice?"
GOD: "No, not really. That's just part of the script. (*glowers for emphasis*) And so is 'obey,' like it or not."
EVE: "Well, that sucks."
ADAM: "Hopefully that won't be the only sucking going on. (*smirk*)"
EVE: "Watch it, buster, those ugly dangly bits there look pretty vulnerable to me. I don't even know why I'm here and doing this; I only just met you, and that fresh scar in your side makes me wonder if you've been in a knife fight recently. Did I get drunk or something? Where are we, anyhow? Las Vegas?"
GOD: "Enough already! Just say, 'I do,' will you?"
EVE: "(*sigh*) All right, I do."
GOD: "I now sentence you -- oops, sorry, that comes later. I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."
EVE: "Not so fast. 'Man and wife'? You're saying that his status hasn't changed, but mine has? I've been shanghaied!"
GOD: "Don't worry, this isn't really so bad. Eden's a lovely place, at least for the time being. Enjoy it while you can."
EVE: "You mean we won't even be able to enjoy it all that long? Well, that blows."
ADAM: "Well, hopefully ---"
EVE: "DON'T SAY IT!"
~David D.G.
