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Quote# 48363

(On "Rapture Kits")

I'd go down to hobby lobby or something and get one of those cheap wooden boxes. Get a couple bibles for cheap from a thrift store and pack it in the box along with some aspirin, maybe headache medication, a first aid kit, a flashlight, and some camping rations from Wal-mart or something. You may also want to place a letter in there to the finder about what exactly happened. They need to know we were taken to Heaven, not "beamed up" or dissolved at an atomic level, like the media may try to tell them. Explain the 21 judgement about to hit the Earth as best you can, so as they happen, the finder can estimate what to do next. Be very real and honest in the letter, and explain that they must place their faith in Jesus Christ by confessing Him with their mouth, and that this faith will almost certainly cost them their life in about 3.5 years into the tribulation. Also refer to the sheep and goat judgement in case they might become doubtful and want to cut corners. Above all, implore them not to take the mark and exactly what will happen if they do. The finder will also need to learn how to hunt and fish in the wilderness to survive. They will not be able to buy or sell without the mark, so just waltzing into Burger King will be out of the question. I would also let them know they need to find a good hiding place in the wilderness somewhere, and bring a few people with them to evangelize and keep the faith until Jesus comes. Tell them that He is coming 7 years from the signing of the "peace treaty," and not to believe anything the anti-christ says.

If you do the above, I think the person who finds the box will be very well informed.

Not Perfect, But Forgiven, Rapture Ready 70 Comments [10/1/2008 12:35:04 AM]
Fundie Index: 1
Submitted By: sooze
WTF?! || meh
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erik

Simply amazing. I wonder which peace treaty this is they're referring to?

10/1/2008 12:37:42 AM

kingoftheheavies

Word salad w/a side of teh phail.

10/1/2008 12:41:28 AM

TheOutsider

This is exactly why these people fascinate me. They can take a very obscure 2000 year old prophecy and make their own little fantasy world. They honestly and truly believe that all of these things will happen in their lifetime with no evidence to back it up (and quite a bit of evidence to the contrary). I wonder what it would look like if we did a brainscan on them.

10/1/2008 12:47:19 AM

fmitchell

"I wonder which peace treaty this is they're referring to?"

The peace treaty declaring a One World Government run by the UN and the Vatican, through a Jesuit supreme leader. Duh.

10/1/2008 12:48:26 AM

Old Viking

Or how about when you open the top a big clown head springs out?

10/1/2008 12:53:47 AM



This is exactly why these people fascinate me. They can take a very obscure 2000 year old prophecy and make their own little fantasy world.

It's kinda like a big live roleplaying game, isn't it?

10/1/2008 12:55:11 AM

Devonian

"taken to Heaven, not "beamed up""
Aren't those essentially the same idea?

10/1/2008 12:59:07 AM

Allegory for Jesus

It's funny, but I read this person's name as "Not Perfect, But Forgotten". Oddly appropriate...


10/1/2008 1:02:04 AM

Marsten

"Left Behind" is not a fucking guide on how to live your life!

10/1/2008 1:04:09 AM

Joules

... and these people are allowed to breed?...


10/1/2008 1:07:41 AM

Ozzie

Okay, when he first mentions "cheap wooden box" I think he means a coffin. The whole time I thought he was burying himself with all his supplies. Weird, I know, but its kinda getting late in my time zone.

Then I realize that he was just trying to help us all left behind after the rapture, by telling us the Burger King isn't going to be same.

I don't know how these people function in the real world. Sadly, I don't think they do.

10/1/2008 1:07:47 AM

Illuminatalie

"Get a couple bibles for cheap"
God can't afford better bibles?

"Also refer to the sheep and goat judgement in case they might become doubtful and want to cut corners."
"Cut corners"? What a strange way to put it. Like failing to follow some biblical injunction against big noses or something?

"so just waltzing into Burger King will be out of the question."
In fact, Burger King is going to be the first restaurant to implement mandatory mark-of-satan checks for all their customers.

"and bring a few people with them to evangelize and keep the faith until Jesus comes"
Bring a few people to convert? I guess if you're out in the wilderness, going door to door to find converts is no longer possible. Good thinking! Don't convert them all at once, or you'll be out before your next foraging trip.


10/1/2008 1:08:06 AM

Lilith

I see an excellent opportunity to make big bucks selling 'rapture kits' on the internet to these gullible fools. Only $29.95 plus tax and postage.

10/1/2008 1:15:53 AM

MK

Lilith - you're positively evil. And brilliant.

Put them on e-bay. I bet you'd get 100 sales inside of a week.

10/1/2008 1:18:41 AM

Damen

Meh, seems like an awful lot of bullshit to go through with for something that's not even mentioned in the bible.

---

Lilith, that should be $29.95 plus the cost of materials (but don't tell them that last part).

So, sell them for about $40 or $50 bucks a pop, plus shipping and handling.

10/1/2008 1:19:25 AM

atrasicarius

Man, I would lol so hard if I found one of those things.

10/1/2008 1:20:42 AM

Nowonmai

Which peace treaty? There have been several signed over the past 100 years.


10/1/2008 1:23:49 AM



like the media may try to tell them.

LMFAO

10/1/2008 1:37:01 AM

Moondog

"I'd go down to hobby lobby or something"
The name just screams "white trash." It could have been any cheapy place like Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Big Lots, or the Ocean State Job Lot, but it all says he'll be waiting for the Rature from his trailer park.

10/1/2008 1:39:11 AM

Natasha

Although is clearly a fundie thing to say. I appreciate that the poster has their heart in the right place. They are thinking about others and how to help them when their imaginary rapture occurs.
Not like the others who can't wait and are looking forward to laughing at us heathens suffering while they eat marshmallow pies with Jesus in their sky-mansions.

10/1/2008 1:40:35 AM

RI

place their faith in Jesus Christ by confessing Him with their mouth, a.... Also refer to the sheep and goat judgement

Umm, okay. You go and confess him with your mouth and do the sheep and goat thing. Whatever turns your crank.

10/1/2008 1:44:14 AM

SurfinSeaOtter

At least he'll leave behind some aspirin to fix the headaches he causes :)

10/1/2008 1:54:32 AM

Horsefeathers

I suggest every fundy take this advice to heart. It'll be far easier to have you all locked away in a nice room with rubber wallpaper if you write out your delusions. Be sure you sign you letter too. Wouldn't want you claiming you didn't write it when the men in white coats show up.

10/1/2008 2:07:41 AM

Amanda

Hey everybody! I found a box that I think was owned by a mental patient! Come and have a look!

10/1/2008 2:12:21 AM

Mortok

The bibles are for kindling, yes?

10/1/2008 2:19:31 AM
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