(On "Rapture Kits")
I'd go down to hobby lobby or something and get one of those cheap wooden boxes. Get a couple bibles for cheap from a thrift store and pack it in the box along with some aspirin, maybe headache medication, a first aid kit, a flashlight, and some camping rations from Wal-mart or something. You may also want to place a letter in there to the finder about what exactly happened. They need to know we were taken to Heaven, not "beamed up" or dissolved at an atomic level, like the media may try to tell them. Explain the 21 judgement about to hit the Earth as best you can, so as they happen, the finder can estimate what to do next. Be very real and honest in the letter, and explain that they must place their faith in Jesus Christ by confessing Him with their mouth, and that this faith will almost certainly cost them their life in about 3.5 years into the tribulation. Also refer to the sheep and goat judgement in case they might become doubtful and want to cut corners. Above all, implore them not to take the mark and exactly what will happen if they do. The finder will also need to learn how to hunt and fish in the wilderness to survive. They will not be able to buy or sell without the mark, so just waltzing into Burger King will be out of the question. I would also let them know they need to find a good hiding place in the wilderness somewhere, and bring a few people with them to evangelize and keep the faith until Jesus comes. Tell them that He is coming 7 years from the signing of the "peace treaty," and not to believe anything the anti-christ says.
If you do the above, I think the person who finds the box will be very well informed.
72 comments
"I wonder which peace treaty this is they're referring to?"
The peace treaty declaring a One World Government run by the UN and the Vatican, through a Jesuit supreme leader. Duh.
This is exactly why these people fascinate me. They can take a very obscure 2000 year old prophecy and make their own little fantasy world.
It's kinda like a big live roleplaying game, isn't it?
Okay, when he first mentions "cheap wooden box" I think he means a coffin. The whole time I thought he was burying himself with all his supplies. Weird, I know, but its kinda getting late in my time zone.
Then I realize that he was just trying to help us all left behind after the rapture, by telling us the Burger King isn't going to be same.
I don't know how these people function in the real world. Sadly, I don't think they do.
"Get a couple bibles for cheap"
God can't afford better bibles?
"Also refer to the sheep and goat judgement in case they might become doubtful and want to cut corners."
"Cut corners"? What a strange way to put it. Like failing to follow some biblical injunction against big noses or something?
"so just waltzing into Burger King will be out of the question."
In fact, Burger King is going to be the first restaurant to implement mandatory mark-of-satan checks for all their customers.
"and bring a few people with them to evangelize and keep the faith until Jesus comes"
Bring a few people to convert? I guess if you're out in the wilderness, going door to door to find converts is no longer possible. Good thinking! Don't convert them all at once, or you'll be out before your next foraging trip.
Meh, seems like an awful lot of bullshit to go through with for something that's not even mentioned in the bible.
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Lilith, that should be $29.95 plus the cost of materials (but don't tell them that last part).
So, sell them for about $40 or $50 bucks a pop, plus shipping and handling.
"I'd go down to hobby lobby or something"
The name just screams "white trash." It could have been any cheapy place like Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Big Lots, or the Ocean State Job Lot, but it all says he'll be waiting for the Rature from his trailer park.
place their faith in Jesus Christ by confessing Him with their mouth, a.... Also refer to the sheep and goat judgement
Umm, okay. You go and confess him with your mouth and do the sheep and goat thing. Whatever turns your crank.
They need to know we were taken to Heaven, not "beamed up" or dissolved at an atomic level, like the media may try to tell them.
I love how these guys assume we're so stupid we would never be able to figure out it was the rapture if they didn't tell us. Maybe these people have never watched a police drama like "Law and Order." Even if every person who had read the Bible or heard of the rapture vanished from the face of the Earth, a decent police detective would see the common thread among the 'victims' (which they would be because raptured = not here on Earth anymore, gone to Heaven = dead) in no time flat. "Hmm, let's see. Most of them had bad haircuts, lived in trailer parks, drove gas-guzzling SUV's with tacky plastic fish on the back, constantly annoyed their neighbors by telling them they're going to hell... I think there's a pattern here."
[Tell them that He is coming 7 years from the signing of the "peace treaty," and not to believe anything the anti-christ says. ]
Wich one? We've had dozens peace treaties signed.
Cheap bibles? Tsk, tsk.
I think this person does think he's perfect, cuz obviously he's going to heaven and has to save the rest of us idiots. Jerk.
"They will not be able to buy or sell without the mark, so just waltzing into Burger King will be out of the question."
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I think I woke my roomie up when I burst out laughing.
I think the person who finds the box in say 50 years time will suffer serious fits of unrestrained laughter. Tears and gasps for air may even be involved.
Purely for the comedy value, I would heartily endorse your project. If our generation is any guide, our descendants would need an occasional round of lulz.
"Get a couple bibles for cheap from a thrift store"
"Also refer to the sheep and goat judgement in case they might become doubtful and want to cut corners."
Cheap bibles aren't cutting corners?
what wilderness? According to you guys taking care of the environment is a non-issue because "Jesus is coming soon so what's the use.' You guys are crazy. Batsheet crazy.
don't forget to put your jewelry and money in those boxes but you have to tell us where they are located.
what is the sheep and goat thingy?
I wonder if NPBF ever puts near as much thought into, say, her hurricane or tornado preparedness kit.
@ Scooby71: How did I miss *that*? Well put!
@GreenEyedLilo
I wonder if NPBF ever puts near as much thought into, say, her hurricane or tornado preparedness kit.
Surely you know that prayer will make it all okay. No heathen "kits" are needed.
I know a quick way to make that note! Just write down in the craziest looking handwritting (i.e. "normal" for you) you can muster; "I am BAT SHIT CRAZY and you need to be just like me or I will not include you in my bat shit crazy imaginary afterlife!"
Besides, this isnt a good idea. I have seen how you RR types communicate. Anything left behind as a communication will more than likely be un-readable with no punctuation rambling on about complete inanities and would not be much help.
Joules said: "... and these people are allowed to breed?... "
Yes, and vote and unfortunately the banks give them mortgages too. Which goes a long way to explaining the mess the US finds itself in right now.
"what is the sheep and goat thingy?"
Jesus is said to separate his sheep from the goats. It's a fancy, poetical way of saying Jesus is going to put his followers, the sheep, in one group and the apostates, the goats, in another.
I don't know why goats are worse than sheep, though, to deserve to be the "bad guys" in this comparison. Goats are smart, and can be led, while sheep are dim, and have to be herded and watched over. In the end, however, both are exploited by the herder.
Well, it's rather brutal here. Right now we are advising all our clients to put everything they've got into canned food and shotguns.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
NPBF's guide for making Stupidity Capsules. Save a fragment of a segment of humanity's millennial madness for future generations, or species, to marvel over and wonder how they didn't wipe themselves out, or didn't do it sooner.
So... the media will still be intact to put out information on a large scale, but we'll all have to live in the wilderness, and we'll have to learn to get our own food and basically camp, even though there will be burger kings.
They need to know we were taken to Heaven, not "beamed up" or dissolved at an atomic level, like the media may try to tell them.
When was the last time any news station mentioned people being beamed up to Heaven?
@Portly
I went to that site and its run by Atheists.
Now that can mean two things
1) These are really smart atheists who know how to make a buck (and will never need to deliver the goods)
2) They are not Atheists, but Christians hoping to make a buck from their fellow Christians
Anyways, if the Atheists running the service believe in the rapture, then are they closeted Christians (because accepting Jebus is all you need to do)
- TORM
Jesus is coming seven years after the peace treaty is signed? Who told you this? Did I miss the memo? Or is this some secret society bullshit that the ignorant masses are forbidden to know about?
Did anyone else get any sense out of this last post?
I love how he assumes the media will still be present after we've been ""beamed up" or dissolved at an atomic level, like the media may try to tell them."
Can you imagine how THAT broadcast would go down? :P
So, let me get this straight: You're anticipating an apocalyptic event, and you want to leave something for those who remain.
So why the FUCK aren't you leaving food, water, survival guides, or anything REMOTELY useful?!
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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