*IDOLATERS (those who love self, anyone, or anything more than their God) are headed for the lake of fire
Jehovah's going to have to take a number and get in line behind my wife and my son.
*THOSE WHO TAKE GOD'S NAME IN VAIN and THOSE WHO CURSE THEIR NEIGHBORS will be cursed by God
God-motherf***ing-damn!! My neighbor is such a raging a**hole---and so are you, Patty.
*THOSE WHO DISHONOR THEIR PARENTS will be damned forever
Does threatening to murder your mother during a psychotic break count as "dishonoring"?
*THOSE WHO INDULGE IN PREMARITAL SEX or EXTRAMARITAL SEX will suffer the eternal torments of fire and brimstone
This is the classic cry of anyone and everyone who isn't getting any.
*HOMOSEXUALS will bear the fierce vengeance of their HOLY CREATOR on the Day of Woe and Doom
What if you're just kind of bi, and you occasionally dig some tubesteak? Do you get to skip the eternal torment and just do a kind of "Hell timeshare"?
*FILTHY PORN-ADDICTS will suffer everlasting punishments
After I'm done here, I'm going to surf straight over to a hardcore granny-porn site and think about your wife while I spunk all over the throw rug under my desk seat.
*DRUNKARDS will sup the cup of the wrath of Almighty God
So...if you are an addict Jehovah will punish you for having an incurable disease? That seems fair...what about people with cancer or diabetes? You should try to peddle this one at an AA or an NA meeting and use a stopwatch to time exactly how long it takes for the members to pitch you out on your ass.
*THOSE WHO MURDER (esp. PRO-CHOICERS who murder innocent babies) will experience the terrible second death
Ha! This is coming from a group of people who rage about abortion but have no problem with judicial murder as defined by the current death penalty laws. I guess once kids get past a certain age they're off your love-list.
*WITCHES AND SORCERERS will bow to Jesus and confess He is Lord before being bound hand and foot and cast into hell
The more you talk about Him, the more Jehovah reminds me of a psychotic ex-girlfriend.
*LIARS will be condemned by their own words
I'll admit I bent the truth a bit during 25 years of a sales-focused career....but how else can you close a deal without some harmless bald-faced lying?
*THIEVES will pay for their crimes in the courtroom of eternal justice
Why not save some time and just cut off one of their hands?
*THOSE WHO DO NOT SUBMIT TO JESUS will be judged "Guilty" by Him on JUDGMENT DAY, and be cast into eternal hellfire
Translation: Anyone who doubts God's infinite love will suffer eternal torment.
Here's how you could have saved some bandwidth: "Anyone who believes differently than I do will burn forever!" That's really what your list boils down to. Good luck with that.