Good evening, my fellow Americans. It's Jan. 21, 2011, and this is your president speaking, Jesus H. Christ.
Since my return Nov. 4 and subsequent election following the gracious withdrawal of incumbent Barack Obama and the unfortunate public bowel rupture of Republican challenger Sarah Palin I have attempted to assemble an executive government worthy of governing this country in a truly Christian manner. As you know, all of my nominees have been rejected as lacking sufficient experience, which in essence means they weren't rich or crooked enough.
I have proposed legislation to bring this country in line with actual Christian principles, and have seen it all angrily rejected as Communistic, bad for business and the harbinger of a New World Order.
Well, at least you got that last part right.
You have also denounced my refusal to say "so help me God" after my oath of office. I maintain that a simple affirmation should suffice, but even words directly from my lips are not enough for many of you, who claim to know so much better than I do what I really said, or really meant.
Therefore I have decided that your "Christian nation" is ungovernable. Why? Two hundred million of you declare that you know exactly what Christianity means, and you have all decided it means something different. Very few of those answers have anything to do with actually being nice to each other, or taking care of this place. Most of them involve hating someone else, and feeling personally superior to them; or doing exactly what you want, and twisting my words to justify your prejudices and indulgences.
In short, I've had it already. Your hopes will be disappointed there will be no Rapture. We don't want you in Heaven. Since I'm staying here on Earth to build the New Jerusalem for those few whom I actually like, you'll have to go. On the upside, New Jerusalem residents will have not only their own mansions but entire neighborhoods to themselves. And yes, you can bring your pets. Gotta fill the place somehow.
The vast majority of Christians will be immediately relocated to Venus. I know, it's 900 degrees in the winter and the atmosphere will squash you like bugs under a truck, but hey you're always yammering about how your faith can do anything. Well, get to it, and we'll see how that works out. 'Bye.
(Sigh of relief.) Now then, down to business. Everybody come to my place; you're all invited to my ordination ceremony. That's right, I'm becoming a Buddhist. For me, Siddhartha's kind of like that older brother you looked up to, the one who was much cooler and smarter. It's time I stopped resenting that, let go of my anger, and worked out my salvation with diligence. You're all welcome to join me.
Thank you and good night.
