1 2 3
National Year of the Bible!!!
1. God hates vegetables--kill all vegetarians! (Cain vs. Abel)
2. God loves tricking parents into (almost) killing their kids (Abraham and Isaac)
3. The family that plays together, stays together (Noah and his daughters)
4. Making fun of bald men justifies small children being mauled to death by bears (Elijah)
5. God loves us so much that he sent a talking snake with legs to tempt a rib woman (Genesis), then cursed all women with pain in childbirth, as well as condemning all humanity to an eternity in hellfire unless they accept his zombie son (who is also god) into their hearts, thus sacrificing himself to save us from himself. Go bible!!!
5/11/2009 8:55:59 PM
Sacrificed himself *to himself* to save us from himself.
5/11/2009 9:00:24 PM
But it's missing the best parts!
Whereas the Bible, used as a moral guide, has inspired compassion, love for our neighbor, and the preciousness of life and marriage, and has stimulated many benevolent, faith-based community initiatives and neighborhood partnerships that have healed and blessed our families, communities, and our entire Nation, especially in times of war, tragedy, and economic and social crisis;
(2) to issue a proclamation calling upon citizens of all faiths to rediscover and apply the priceless, timeless message of the Holy Scripture which has profoundly influenced and shaped the United States and its great democratic form of Government, as well as its rich spiritual heritage, and which has unified, healed, and strengthened its people for over 200 years.
Wow... that's almost like telling people "we're going to NATIONALLY AND FEDERALLY tell you to either join our religion or go to hell!" which last I knew was unconstitutional.
5/11/2009 9:01:13 PM
"...which recognized the inherent worth, dignity, and inalienable rights of each individual, thus unifying a diverse people with the right to vote, and the freedoms of speech and vast religious freedoms..."
Amazing how neither the bible, nor most fundies seem to be in favor of thoes rights.
5/11/2009 9:04:25 PM
If Reagan already declared 1983 'The National Year of the Bible', wouldn't another declaration be rather...redundant?
5/11/2009 9:05:09 PM
Maos little red book would like a word with you.
5/11/2009 9:06:43 PM
Indeed. Also, will the repubs ever stop jacking off to Regan? Seriously... he wasn't that good of a president. In fact, most historians think he was rather crap by and large.
5/11/2009 9:07:03 PM
The Skeptic Wept
"Whereas the Bible has had a profound impact in shaping America into a great Nation;"
Well, except for the "great" part I'd have to agree with this statement.
On a side note, doesn't the GOP have anything better to do? We are having a little crisis going here with our economy, health care, Iraq, etc.
5/11/2009 10:03:32 PM
Where's the point?
5/11/2009 10:26:11 PM
Go ahead! Who cares!
It'll be another "Year of" whatever that I can take absolutely no fucking notice of.
You lot can spend an entire orbit of the sun prostrating yourselves before a collection of middle Eastern fairy tales and endlessly masturbate over your pseudo history, the rest of us can get on with important things like thinking.
5/11/2009 10:30:02 PM
I contend that the Bible isn't the worlds best selling book on it's merits, but because religions insist their indoctrinated drones to have the specific 'translation' that pertains to their particular cult version.
As for the bible making the US great? Bullshit, just pure bullshit.
5/11/2009 10:30:34 PM
"Whereas many of our Presidents have recognized the importance of God and the Bible ... especially Abraham Lincoln, whose 200th Birthday Celebration in 2009 highlighted freedom for the slaves"
How did he recognize God and the Bible on his 200th birthday? Wasn't the slaves free until 2009? Doesn't the Bible condone owning slaves?
5/11/2009 10:39:12 PM
What part of "Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion" do you not understand?
5/11/2009 10:41:34 PM
Whereas the party of the sponsoring member (the Republicans) does everything within its power to deny food, shelter, and health care to the poor and working classes, and conspires to legislate and deregulate government with the solitary goal of screwing the common citizen in order to increase the vast wealth of its members, We The People say, "Shove your resolution up your asses, you fucking hypocrites".
5/11/2009 11:12:19 PM
I'm not sure he's going to play well with his base by arguing that the Bible was the motivator behind liberal causes.
5/11/2009 11:21:45 PM
ADVENTURES IN JESUSLAND
No.2 Big Tits
Thelma Kludge manoeuvred into the parking space that she knew would eventually appear, saying, "Thank you Jebus", and got out of the car smiling. She'd driven round for a good five minutes praying for Jesus to find her a space, and voila...
She remembered back to all the other times that Jesus had provided for her. She'd prayed for a new face for her little brother Bobby who'd had it shot off in a firearms accident. And voila, he'd died in hospital undergoing surgery, and ascended to heaven where by God's wisdom and power his old face would surely be restored. "Thanks Jebus". She'd prayed that her father would suffer no more from his painful gout. And voila, he was knocked down by a steamroller and had to have both legs amputated. No more gout for Dad. "Thanks Lord".
She'd prayed one day, when she was a small schoolgirl, that she wouldn't have to do anymore lessons. Lo and behold, the spirit of, possibly, no probably Jebus,'cause she'd prayed so hard, entered into a teenaged pupil, who'd subseqently taken all his fathers guns and murdered half the staff and half the children as well. She missed more than a day's lessons through that one."Thank you Lord"
Thelma was jealous of the other girls in class who all seemed to start maturing before her. The boys looked admiringly at her classmates' tits but they seemed to ignore her completely. It was as if she was invisible. So she prayed hard to Jesus for a set of jugs that would make the boys notice her. Lo and behold buds started sprouting on her chest and, one morning, she woke up to discover that she had an enormous pair of tits. She was an immediate hit with the boys. She never saw her feet again. "Thank you Lord Jebus, for giving me such enormous tits in my hour of need".
Thelma moved to California when she was sixteen and became a porn star, Thelma Swellma. But she never forgat her roots in Jesusland and thanked the Lord every time she had an orgasm. And every time she saw her big tits on screen or in a mirror, which was often.
5/12/2009 12:00:45 AM
@Pule: Lol, your blasphemy knows no end. For which I commend you, I could never be so creative.
But it's also why you're on the front page as a fundamentalist atheist.
5/12/2009 12:24:18 AM
Whereas Rep. Paul Broun [sic?] is an idiot, he can fuck off.
5/12/2009 1:07:37 AM
The Bible is divisive given that not everyone is Christian.
I propose instead that there should be the conjoined year of the Penis and the Vagina.
This could be followed in the next year by a celebration of the Breasts; then a celebration of the testicles.... and it all could be rounded up with a year to celebrate the Asshole, which would inclusive of most fundies.
5/12/2009 1:31:32 AM
Don't you government officials have more important things to worry about?
5/12/2009 2:09:53 AM
What bullshit. I shall vomit if this goes through.
5/12/2009 2:44:56 AM
Whereas the Bible has been the world’s best selling book since it was first published in English in 1526,
I thought it become the world's best selling book since it was first comprehensively published in Latin in 405?
Or after some poor sod published it in German in 1522?
5/12/2009 3:00:08 AM
Whereas George Washington rarely attended church, never took communion, and never mentioned Jesus Christ in his writings.
Whereas George Washington showed no interest in religion during his life and only referred to religion generically (as was the custom at the time).
Whereas FDR was an outspoken advocate of respecting all religions in America, not just Christianity and rarely attended church in Washington. Whereas FDR said: “Whoever seeks to set one religion against another seeks to destroy all religion.”
Whereas Harry S Truman spoke out against competition between different religions and religious bigotry. Whereas Harry S Truman was a Grand Master of the Freemasons.
Whereas JFK was a strong proponent of the separation of Church and State. Whereas JFK said: “I am committed as a matter of deep personal conviction to separation.” Whereas JFK showed the strength of his fealty to his Catholic faith and Christian principles by cheating on his wife frequently and with numerous different women during his presidency.
Whereas Ronald and Nancy Reagan are reputed to have been extremely superstitious, and consulted astrologers and psychics during Reagan’s term in office.
And especially Abraham Lincoln who never joined a church nor ever made a clear profession of standard Christian beliefs.
5/12/2009 3:16:35 AM
Don't you government officials have more important things to worry about?
Seconded. Do something about the imploding economy, idiots! What is this, cargo-cult politics? Make resolutions that do nothing but blather vaguely about religion and require other people to blather vaguely about religion, which you you inexplicably associate with good times, and it'll magically improve the actual situation? That's like the crew of a sinking ship deciding to take time out from plugging holes and bailing out to paint the cabin walls a less stressful colour!
Putting on parades, declaring public holidays, holding olympic games, making fatuous, self-congratulatory resolutions like the above, etc, are what you do to celebrate after you've achieved a prosperous economy, using the excess wealth it generates; doing that shit during a depression is not sufficient to bring back the prosperity of which it is symptomatic.
5/12/2009 3:21:01 AM
I haven't laughed like that since I was a little girl.
5/12/2009 3:58:05 AM
1 2 3