(The Rapturds are speculating about the hot new bodies Jesus is going to give them)
Or maybe we will be able to change body hair and hair length, by will. No razors or scissors necessary.
But what about plucked eyebrows? Most women love doing that a lot. Very few women don't pluck their eyebrows. We're gonna have plucked brows there? Or will they all be grown back?
73 comments
What is that, this months cover of Zombie Life ?
Barf!
just to put this insane shit in perspective, this is (probably) an adult who is going on about this, let me repeat, AN ADULT! can you imagine being around this person? this is some scary stuff.
@aaa
for Xians they sure do do a lot of deadly sins!!
and if they're to spend eternity singing "holy, holy, holy" (or "sanctus, sanctus, sanctus" by the better educated) they're not going to be in mansions, and their clothes and accessories won't matter.
Yes. And you will get to have sex with Brad Pitt every day, and all the people who wouldn't talk to you in high school will be sooooo jealous.
Now take your fucking meds.
WTF???
You are going to spend eternity on your knees 'praising Gawd'. Apart from the sheer tedium of that, you are not supposed to be vain even whilst here on Earth, hence in your 'perfect' heaven, it won't sodding matter what you look like. The rest of will all be downstairs in the warm and doing all the stuff your not allowed to...(apparently).
EDIT: You just have to take a look at the whole thread, it is hysterical! At one point they speculate about whether they will have shaved their legs when they are raptured!
Heaven: Because if you're pretty on the outside and really, really believe hard enough, all the horrible shit you do and say will disappear.
Ironically enough, that's called the Halo Effect.
No honey, you won't need scissors or a razor. They're not allowed in here, remember? And yes, you'll get a nice white robe.
And what about a Brazilian wax? Since heaven is a completely happy place, I'd think that Brazilian waxes would be painless. Will women be able to change their pubes at will? They could go from 70's bush to a trimmed & neat hairy triangle, to a landing strip, or completely bald just by wishing it.
So this is a bigger concern for them than all of the people, including friends neighbors and loved ones, who will be "left behind?" Well, whatever gets you out of bed in the morning...
You're not supposed to wear makeup on earth, never mind in heaven. You might cause some man to look at you lustfully and Jesus would never allow that. You're all supposed to spend eternity praising the lord, with no distractions.
Vanity is one of the components of pride. And isn't Pride a deadly sin?
And speculating about what things will be like in Heaven? What does it say in Revelations about adding to the Bible? Your idle speculation is nothing less than adding to your Holy Writ, which is worse than heresy.
@Mihangel ap Yrs
"to spend eternity singing "holy, holy, holy""
Which is what they'll be doing for all eternity - kissing God's Holy Arseholey. If that's what Heaven's like, they can fucking keep it.
Uhm. . . I thought the whole point of heaven is praising God forever and ever and ever. Why are you worried about such things? Besides, don't you guys always claim you'll get perfect bodies?
And do women actually love to pluck? I don't do it, and I don't want to (it doesn't benefit anyone, and it hurts, so why should I?).
Fundie Beliefs #12 - Redneck Heaven
You can kill, rape or almost anything else (except get an abortion, be a homosexual, vote for a Democrat or think your granny was a monkey); but as long as you believe in Jesus and are "born again" (in the proper Baptist fashion - none of this "sprinkling babies" crap ...) you’ll be among "the saved" and go to heaven, where you can have any pickup truck you want, even a big-ass Ford 550 Supercab with the 7.3L Powerstroke diesel and a wicked-looking pair of Smoker® exhaust stacks and a Confederate flag in the back window. And everything at Wal-Mart is on sale for free! Plus you get to watch and snicker at all those Chardonnay-sipping New York liberals who, during life, made ten times as much money as you and had sex with better-looking women, as they weep and gnash their teeth in the LOF® (Lake O'Fire).
I'm reminded of Landover Baptists' story on 'Why Do Mexican Women Like Mrs. Sotomayor Have Hairy Legs Like My Dog?'
The answer is (of course)"Because the daughters of Zion (True Christian Females Today) are (were) haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet: Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion (True Christian Females Today), and Jehovah (God) will lay bare (Shave) their secret parts (Legs). Isaiah 3:16-17
This Bible verse teaches us that God shaved every last hair (except for the head) on the bodies of His female followers just because He didn't like the way they dressed and walked!
Easy peasy...
It's very uplifting to listen in to devout philosophical discussions of such a deep spiritual nature that try to discern the finer points of incorporeal life in ones heavenly mansion. Of course, we do know that there'll be no toilet facilities as one won't have an arse or a pisser in heaven, there'll be no excreting. We also know that there'll be no kitchens, sculleries, breakfast rooms, dining rooms and pantries. There's no need for food or drink in heaven where one has no mouth. No plumbing either because one won't need to wash and clean in a place with no dirt. All communication is telepathic so no ears. It's possible you might have a nose for smelling flowers. I should imagine the ghosts of sweetly smelling flowers go to heaven. No tits, no sexual organs, no sex. No need. We know there'll be no bedrooms because it's impossible to tire in heaven. So essentially, ones mansion will consist of a a giant entrance hall and nothing else.
"Brenz
I suspect a marvelous Poe."
I doubt it. There is a part in "The Late, Great Planet Earth" where the author explains how wonderful the women in heaven will find it when they can change bodies like outfits. It actually makes a lot of sense that the fundamentalists would be interested in this. They seem to be extremely wrapped up in appearances and put "looking proper" above all else.
What about guys? I see a lot of guys with skanky eyebrows, for real.
I get mine threaded. Too lazy to tweeze, and threading does a cleaner, more even job than both tweezing and waxing. Plus, it's cheaper if you can find a shop that does it.
@ nutbunny
Too fuckin' funny!
The part that really bothers me about this post, Women love plucking eyebrows... NOT! My Gods, I'm not average and it hurts a lot for me but I do it because I'd feel really out of place otherwise. Luckily some women don't feel it as badly as I do (still hoping for eventual nerve death) but no one enjoys it. Any male who argues must now go and pluck out an eveybrow hair with tweezers now. For- The first time I plucked an eyebrow hair it actually bled. My paradise definetly does not include eyebrow plucking.
Sorry to interrupt your fap'ing but you will look like the zombies in Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Or even worse, you could be made to look like Michael Jackson!
Nope, you're stuck with the same fat lard ass you developed here. Deal with it.
Seriously, even if the rapture did happen, how the fuck do these vain, hateful liars ever expect to get in.
Okay, why is this even a conversation/forum to begin with?
Like the posts before me state, there is so many really bad things going on and here you all are thinking about what you will look like in Heaven once you are supposedly raptured?
Excuse me for a moment. *Puking*
God, these people have like, no idea what it is like to live life. And they never will, because they're just waiting around for death and a new life that will never come. And even that imagined new life has apparently nothing whatsoever of consequence associated with it.
Plucked Eyebrows? Makeup?
You know, if I believed in the god of the bible as well as in Satan and hell, I would assume Rapture Ready is a nice trick of Satan, to deceive believers and turn them away from the right path
What will come next from these people on Rapture Ready? Will they speculate in what nice (fully climated) houses they will live after rapture and what nice sports cars they will drive?
There will certainly be no genitalia under the robes. No sex in heaven. Sex is only for reproduction, and no need for that in heaven. Remember only 144,000. That's tops in the population limit in the Celestial City.
There will certainly be no genitalia under the robes. No sex in heaven. Sex is only for reproduction, and no need for that in heaven. Remember only 144,000. That's tops in the population limit in the Celestial City.
I love the OP:
[I have been lead to write this post by the Holy Spirit to tell you all that JESUS IS COMING!!!!
And our Lord God is coming very very soon!!!]
It's half a year old and the thread is still active. image (Not to mention that they have been already waiting 2000 fucking years. image )
"Most women love doing that a lot. Very few women don't pluck their eyebrows."
Yeah we love plucking hairs out of our faces. It has nothing to do with the societal pressures put on us to look unnaturally hairless.
Hhhmmm apparently I'm wearing my feminist hat today. Fair enough, I'm gonna run with it.
"And what about makeup? Its hard to picture wearing makeup up there..."
'Put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig'
-Barack Obama
"So we will all be like dolls? Bald bodies?"
So you think you'll be smooth down there? Like Action Man (US: GI Joe)? Says so much about you fundies: plastic, empty-headed, and completely sexless.
You guys REALLY are serious about this??? - How small ylour imagination is, how focussed on your bodys...
Oh, and about the eyebrow-thingy: I never pluck them. - Why should I? it apparently hurts, it's useless, doesn't look exspecially good... and there are things I can do with the time I am not using for this. - Things I actually enjoy!
Most women love doing that a lot . Are you insane? It hurts but I prefer not to have a unibrow. Bet you'd love the good ole bikini wax. Wait. In heaven you'll have to have a Brazilian wax. Have fun with that one. As for doing things by will, forget it. You think you'll be given that type of power? You won't because you'll be on your knees praising.
No, if you pluck your eyebrows, you go to Hell, where a needle is stuck into the place where each individual hair was. This has been known since the Middle Ages.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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