Fundie Beliefs #26 - The Rapture
Jesus is coming back, and boy, is he ready to open up a can of whup-ass on non-believers! First, his angels are going to blow a bunch of horns, then all the people who have done His will insulted and beat up homosexuals, bombed abortion clinics, pulled their kids out of public school so they wouldn’t be vaccinated or fooled into believing their grandmother was a monkey, drove SUVs and laughed at global warming, agreed with Rush and Hannity, etc. will get sucked up into the sky, leaving behind everything, even their clothes*. Then there’ll be seven years of really bad stuff happening to the people Left Behind© - even worse than for breaking a mirror. Then Jesus will say "OK, enough of this crap" and take over. Then the world will go on for another 1,000 years, during which school prayer and Bible reading will be resumed, homosexuals will be killed off, all states will allow concealed carry, the Democratic party will be abolished, and abortion and saying "happy holidays" instead of “merry Christmas” will be outlawed. Then it’ll be Judgment Day! All the good fundies who were born after the first Rapture and missed it will get sucked up to heaven and all the liberals, Yankees**, non-Christians***, atheists, pansy-assed wine-tasters, opera fans, illegal aliens, guys who don’t like sports, women who wear pants, people who read the NIV Bible instead of the KJV and people who thought their grandmother was a monkey will get sent to the Lake O'Fire®, and all the fundies who believed in the Rapture, didn’t let anyone baptize them before the age of responsibility and voted for McCain/Palin will get to say "I told you so" and laugh at all those people who didn’t listen to them and are now weeping and gnashing their teeth in agony.
* Since they’re no longer under God’s curse for eating the magic fruit, they won’t know that they’re naked.
** Northerners, of course; not the baseball team.
*** Such as Catholics, Anglicans, Presbyterians, Methodists, Lutherans, etc.
