[On a thread about what you would do upon first meeting Jesus in heaven.]
Lord willing, I'm going to start at His head and kiss Him all the way down to His toes, and the whole time I'll be saying 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR' and even that won't be sufficent enough, so ya'll may just have to take a number and stand in line to wait about a million years behind me, before ya'll get to say your 'Hello's.
118 comments
"I'm going to start at His head and kiss Him all the way down to His toes"
I bet you'll spend an inordinate amount of time kissing his Holy Staff & Orbs, amirite?
"and the whole time I'll be saying 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR' and even that won't be sufficent enough, so ya'll may just have to take a number and stand in line to wait about a million years behind me"
When you're not character assassinating President Obama, praying & waiting, waiting & praying, praying & waiting ad infinitum ad nauseam for your J-man to suck you off, writing reams of fapfiction, and generally being fundie shitcunts, you're all just colossal pervs at Ruptured Retards, aren't you?
...wants to kiss his feet?
I can understand a little foot fetish, but a Jeebus Foot Fetish is a little beyond me.
What happened to side hugs only?
Now I feel sorry for Jesus. Fuck, the poor guy has to put up with a lot.
What happens when they go to Heaven and find out that Jesus isn't the blond haired, blue eyed European Jesus they're used to imagining, but the real middle-eastern dark haired, swarthy, hairy middle eastern that existed there 2000 years ago? You know, the kind of person they're afraid to get on airplanes with?
She should change her name to "Eternally Happy Ending"
lafoutloud: "Oh my lord and savior, you spent six hours on the cross for me, I'm gonna spend a million years on your holy handjob"
Jesus porn.
Gotta love it.
Honey, I know from experience, you always think it'll last a million years, but the truth is you're lucky if it's ten minutes before you're lighting up a cigarette and he'spromising to call you
"ya'll may just have to take a number and stand in line to wait about a million years behind me"
Exactly why are you so holy that you get to go first? Is it not written that the first shall be last and the last first?
I also can't help noticing the word "Hello" being in inverted commas. Are you suggesting something sexual?
On a thread about what you would do upon first meeting Jesus in heaven.
I'd say "Thank you for sending all those sanctimonious, judgmental, holier-than-thou "Rapture Ready" people to hell where they won't be trying to preach their hate-filled version of your message to us anymore."
I swear to God, if there is a Heaven, and I get there, I will greet Jesus with a simple "Hey, man. How's it going?" just to piss people like this off.
Poor Jesus... seriously, this kind of crap makes me feel sorry for the poor guy. Just say he really is sitting up there in heaven watching fundies post stuff like this - if I were him, I'd be postponing the second coming as long as possible to delay being fawned all over by randy fundamentalists.
Sycophantic idiots.
Yeah lady I know you wanna suck him off but so does every other raptard so good luck with that. Is it just me or is every fundie like"OMG IM GONNA WRAP MYSELF AROUND JESUS AND NEVER LET GO! YOU GONNA HAVE TO PRY ME OFF LOL!!!!
Jesus is gonna be crushed to death by a fundie dogpile.
> so ya'll may just have to take a number and stand in line to wait about a million years behind me
Obnoxious in this life, obnoxious in the next?
So heaven is going to be a porn film set?
Is that what hell is going to be like? We'll be forced to watch? Because the bible really doesn't say a lot about what the heaven is going to be like.
"Sir Lord Jesus"?
And there's a hell of a lot of Domination fantasy going on over there. I smell a business opportunity.
In other words you intend to drop to your knees and blow jesus for a million or so years.
You see, this is what sexual repression does when combined with hyper-religiosity. I can't tell whether the love jesus, or they just want to fuck him.
After about 10,000 years he's going to ask you to rim him, then 20,000 years after that it'll be: "Hey bitch, take me around the world!"
Caustic Gnostic wrote:
Everyone wants to give Jesus a blowjob.
How many times do you think he can shoot in an hour anyway?
Dude, it's Jesus. As far as we can tell, he can probably just continuously spray.
I absolutely resist the temptation to go the level of lurid thought where this idiocy.leads.
Instead I say: get behind me, Satan! And that has nothing to do with the fact I am gay either, lest it be thought I am playing lafoutloud's game.
"I'm going to start at His head and kiss Him all the way down to His toes"
Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
X3
@GigaGuess
"Cut to Jesus sitting in a tree"
(*sings *)
'Jesus and lafoutloud sitting in a tree...
S-U-C-K-I-N-G'
image
...........You know, I've heard of some modern-day Pagans having flings or being lovers with the gods. But I don't think ANY of them want to die just so they can give their paramours blowjobs/cunnilingus for a million years! Christ on a bike, this makes even the biggest hippie love-in look like a tea party!
Uh, you do know what most guys have between the head and the toes right?
More postmortem kinkyness with Jebus.
Neserit
"I'm starting to think that the reason that this Rapture hasn't happened yet is because Jesus has restraining orders out on all of them. "
Brilliant. Just brilliant. Also, this further draws attention to the connections between religion and sexuality, whether they be overt or repressed.
"Lord willing, I'm going to start at His head and kiss Him all the way down to His toes, and the whole time I'll be saying 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR' and even that won't be sufficent enough, so ya'll may just have to take a number and stand in line to wait about a million years behind me, before ya'll get to say your 'Hello's."
I must say lafoutloud, your username is highly appropriate - as it's my reaction to what you've just posted (as "Galaxy Angel"'s Ranpha Franboise* shall demonstrate):
image
*- As her friend and Angel-tai compatriot Milfeulle Sakuraba does on the previous page.
Shouldn't you start from the bottom and go upwards?
I'd probably have some stern question to him about the treatment of women for the last, oh say, 10 000 years or so. We are just as important to the human race, why were we treated like property in most of the Bible?
"Lord willing, I'm going to start at His head and kiss Him all the way down to His toes, and the whole time I'll be saying 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, 'Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR, Thank You MY LORD and SAVIOUR' and even that won't be sufficent enough, so ya'll may just have to take a number and stand in line to wait about a million years behind me, before ya'll get to say your 'Hello's."
Isn't pride a sin?
Damn, you are an upleasant, conceited little bitch aren't you. Besides there is some recent research (admittedly, most of that research was conducted by me in the last 2 minutes, and 50% of the research involved me scratching my balls; a popular method of contemplation amongst menfolk) that suggests Jesus was gay anyway (clean, nice long hair, hawt physique, liked to wear dresses, never married, but loved to "hang out" with a dozen or more men at a time, it's obvious.)
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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