[Describing his time spent as a Satanist before converting to Christianity]
Now the period of my testing had come. I was sent to a valley about 200 metres deep. In it were assorted dangerous reptiles and wild beasts. These were to torture me. I was not to shout, for if I did, I have failed the exam and the consequence was DEATH. After seven days of agony I was brought out and sent to a place called ‘INDIA JUNGLE’.
In this jungle, I saw different types of demonic birds ; demonic because some had faces like dogs, some like cats, etc. Yet with wings. Inside this jungle was a cave, and this cave is only opened by these demonic birds. They opened the cave and I went inside. The things I saw are hard to explain. There were terrible creatures, some looked like human beings but with tails and without human faces, etc. This was another place of torture. The torture there could best be described as semi-hell. I was in that state for 7 days and was brought out.
I was then sent to a very big library that contained large volumes of mystic books to study. I later picked two books : Abbysinia, which means destruction, and Assina, which means giving life or curing. Later I was given more books. I was instructed to build a chamber as soon as I return to Nigeria with the following things in it : “A native water pot filled with human blood, a living tree inside, a human skull, vulture feathers, wild animal skins, boa skin and a big shiny laterites beside the pot.” The blood inside the water pot is to be taken every morning with an incantation. I was also instructed never to eat any food cooked by HUMANS but that I would be fed supernaturally. With all these instructions I came back to Nigeria the same way I went, and fulfilled all.
73 comments
Psst! You're about 20 years or so too late for the Satanic Panic, and warning parents of the dangers of letting their kids listening to shitty hair metal.
"I was then sent to a very big library that contained large volumes of mystic books to study."
At least Satanists encourage reading I guess.
Yeah, and I once rode on the back of a pink unicorn to the centre of the universe where the creator of all things sat on a couch that was a hundred light-years across and shaped like a pair of boobs. And this almighty being, whose name was 'Graham', spoke to me in a voice that shook the nearby galaxies. And he told me you were full of sh**!
I had a dream like that, only in my dream, I went into the cave and saw a dark figure approach me. I then cut of its head with my light saber and it's mask exploded revealing my own face inside and......oh wait.....
I Googled this "INDIA JUNGLE" and the fourth link from the pictures at the top was "The Jungle Book."
Next time you go on an acid trip, aim for the AFRICAN SAVANNA. Timon and Pumbaa would like to share a musical number with you, liar.
With all these instructions I came back to Nigeria the same way I went, and fulfilled all.
And then I started emailing people trying to find someone who would help me get twenty million USD ($20,000,000) out of the country.
As soon as I read the first line I thought this was from Willaim Schnoebelen. These people KNOW that they're lying, so why do they do it? Just to encourage irrational thinking? I know that one argument against Christianity is that the Devil has no motive except to turn people away from God for no reason, but the existence of Schnoebelen, Eni, and others like them really make me think that some people really do act for the evulz.
Yeah, right...
I used to be 1,000 miles tall. I could melt moons with atomic rays that came out of my eyes and I used to eat planets and shit out asteroids. I was made out of pure radiation and used to sleep in a bed made out of suns.
Oh, I just cannot be bothered to continue.
"I was sent to a valley about 200 metres deep. In it were assorted dangerous reptiles and wild beasts. These were to torture me. I was not to shout, for if I did, I have failed the exam and the consequence was DEATH. After seven days of agony I was brought out and sent to a place called INDIA JUNGLE’."
Okay, but how do you get past the gatekeeper? When I click on the portcullis, my character just shrugs his shoulders and says "I don't know what to do with that."
Nigeria.. an entire country that proves Missionaries only manage to screw people up more than they already are. Missionary work convinced an already superstitious people that demons are real, witches are real and gave them the delusion that it was okay to be even more horrible to each other and their own children than they already were.
http://www.steppingstonesnigeria.org/
@ Jack Bauer
You're Dave Wyndorff ?
---------------------------------------------
Deep Valley
You are in a valley about 200 metres deep. It is filled with assorted dangerous reptiles and wild beasts.
A voice calls out, "Do not shout, for if you do you shall fail the test."
The animals bite and sting you. The pain is enormous
>DO NOT SHOUT
You continue to endure the pain, but you will not be able to do so for much longer.
>SPELLS
You have the following spells memorized:
Analges (Creature can no longer feel pain)
Rezrov (Open a locked door or container)
Yomin (Read a creature's mind)
>CAST ANALGES ON ME
You no longer feel the pain.
>NE
India Jungle
You are now in a jungle full of shiny green plants. You see many demonic birds, some with cat faces, others with dog faces.
There is a cave leading north. The demonic birds are blocking it. The path also branches off to the west and northwest.
>YOMIN BIRDS
The demonic birds are thinking that they will only allow those who say "Hail Satan" to enter the cave.
>SAY "HAIL SATAN"
The birds fly away from the cave entrance.
>GO NORTH
I saw different types of demonic birds ; demonic because some had faces like dogs, some like cats, etc.
Holy crap! The creationist strawman version of evolution is actually true!
The scarce internet records of the late twentieth and early-to-middle twenty-first centuries suggest that the democratic system, so coveted in the earlier history of the country was destroyed and replaced by a quasi-medieval set of beliefs.
One of the probable explanations is a local thermonuclear war between the states due to the growing ideological and political rifts between the so-called "Bible Belt" and the rest of the union.
A lot of the apocrypha of this age bear an uncanny resemblance to medieval religious writings and mid-twentieth century science fiction.
Why do I get the feeling that someone tripped balls, HARD, and stumbled down the street in some redlight district somewhere, and stumbled first into some nightclub for furries, and then into a used book store? By dawn, this fuck was sitting on the curb, twisted out of his gourd, and fully involved in the Thunderbird wine induced mumbleranting of the nearby bum population. Then, juuuust before coming down, he met a street preacher, who fire, brimstoned (and maybe buggered) his ass sore and sober, there on the street corner.
The memory of the preacher was strongest to Emmanuel's drug-addled mind, so it stood out, and the whole bad trip became the post above.
...... WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
trippy, proselytizing, yet refreshingly original bullshit!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I have read The Satanic Bible. Based upon that, I'm pretty sure you're full of fucking shit.
Nigeria? Scamland! Liardom!
Listen Manni, you and anything from Nigeria are totally unworthy of trust or belief.
Satanism doesn't work that way.
Bad acid trips, unfortunately, sometimes do...
Right... seeing as your secret initiation rituals involve the threat of death and supernatural horrors, only to be followed by another ritual where you are required to have a great big pot of more blood that a human could survive losing, and more supernatural shit that could kill you...
Wouldn't you be dead before you hit 'submit comment' if you decided to blab about it let alone tell the secret cabal of untouchable killers to fuck themselves?
What.
...What.
...
...
What.
5 And the green pigs said lo, thou shalt go unto the nests and gather eggs that we may eat our breakfast, and I went, 6 but suddenly there arose a clatter as of a great many alarms, 7 and the sky went dark as demonic birds of many colors came down upon me and attempted to destroy me. 8 Though I might try to hide in a nearby shelter, the yellow birds would speed up in flight, as if powered suddenly by angels, and with a savage cheer would crash into my body.
Uhmmm, yeah, whatever you say I guess....but anyway, you should do yourself (and us?) a favor and lay off whatever it is you're taking.
"Abbysinia" (sic) is the old name for Ethiopia. Not that you'd know, because your brain has been so destroyed by the acid and whatever else you were tripping on that made you come up with this AND have some evangelist convert you sometime afterwards.
On the other hand, this could be a decent first draft for a bizarre fantasy novel. Drugs in moderation, 'kay?
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
To post a comment, you'll need to Sign in or Register . Making an account also allows you to claim credit for submitting quotes, and to vote on quotes and comments. You don't even need to give us your email address.