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Quote# 82233

[Part of a letter sent to the Pope]

There is, however, an item that I want you to acquire, the gray pants that my servant is wearing right now as I dictate this message. They were stained with his blood when he suffered in my service, and would not give up the battle. They are extremely powerful. I wish you to purchase for my servant three pairs of black dickie work pants, three black work shirts, and present them to him in exchange for these pants. As my servant campaigns he will not wear suits, he will dress as a common laborer, as a common worker. He will not attempt to appear to be an aristocrat. He understands the poor because he has been poor. He understands the needy because he has been needy. He understands the old because he is old before his time because of his service to the people. Anyway, he looks like a slob in a suit. I don't think so, but he does.
These are additional requests that I make of you, these are my desires that I have you do. I want this power returned to Italy. I want my glory to return to Italy.
There is one other thing. I wish to have these pants displayed in St. Peter's so the faithful can view them, be empowered by them, and I want The Borgias removed from St. Peter's, those false popes that began the destruction of The Church with their lust and greed. I want them off my sacred ground! I want them removed and buried in unsanctified ground. I want their names struck from the Catholic rolls, and in all records they simply be referred to as the number of the Pope that they were, that their names never be uttered. For they were unfit to be my servants, and have nearly destroyed my world. Every honor that has been given them must be taken away from them, and the world must be told what filth they were.

Gerald Polley, Voices From Spirit 66 Comments [6/28/2011 5:19:15 AM]
Fundie Index: 71
WTF?! || meh
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I think I just read that before the pope did. And I think he never will.

Also first

6/28/2011 5:22:23 AM

whatever

Sorry Gerald but I think you'll just have to go and buy your new trousers from Walmart.

6/28/2011 5:28:08 AM

Rob aka Mediancat

No, but we will bring you your brown pants.

6/28/2011 5:38:15 AM

Tallyho

@ Rob

"No, but we will bring you your brown pants."

I think blue pants will fit better!

6/28/2011 5:53:45 AM

Gypsin

okay... now why does he want your servants pants?
they are bloody and thus powerful..? sounds like Gerald is writing this while hes smashed.

6/28/2011 5:54:01 AM

Doubting Thomas

All behold the holy pants! They should display them right next to the shroud of Turin.

6/28/2011 5:56:11 AM

Doctor Whom

Dear Gerald:

I am God's one true press agent, and God told me to tell you to take your meds.

6/28/2011 5:57:37 AM

Passerby

Does the author of this letter think he's god?

He refers to the glory of God as 'my glory' and the former popes that he wants struck from the registry as 'unfit to be my servants' because of their effects on 'my world' and seems to think he can tell the current pope what to do.

6/28/2011 5:58:38 AM

Binky

No, but he thinks he speaks for god and writes his letters as if god wrote them. When he says "my servant" he's referring to himself. When he says "me" he's referring to god.

So yes, he's basically asking the pope to buy him a new pair of pants and hang his old pair up in the vatican as a holy symbol.

6/28/2011 6:12:32 AM

Argle Bargle

Is he trying to shake down the Pope for a free pair of pants? Man, everybody on this site should read his letters. Pure comedy gold.

6/28/2011 6:19:07 AM

Whitleylad

I don't think there is anything funnier than the idea of the Catholic Church becoming followers of Gerald's Pants!

A whole faith empowered by pants hanging in St Peter's. The tears are now streaming down my face with laughter.

I know God works in mysterious ways, but hell....

6/28/2011 6:25:04 AM

Xotan

This is utterly off the wall. He really needs severe help.

6/28/2011 6:28:32 AM

mad the swine

"I don't think there is anything funnier than the idea of the Catholic Church becoming followers of Gerald's Pants!

A whole faith empowered by pants hanging in St Peter's. The tears are now streaming down my face with laughter.

I know God works in mysterious ways, but hell.... "

The Catholic Church already venerates the relics of saints. If Mother Teresa becomes a saint, her clothing could/would be set up in a reliquary to be viewed and reverenced by the laity.

The problem is that Polley wants to be considered a living saint. Historically, the Church frowns on such things.

6/28/2011 6:36:15 AM

Mapar

This person is mentally ill. I'm no psychiatrist, but isn't this a case of schizophrenia?

6/28/2011 6:40:25 AM

Horsefeathers

Now that's a letter for the Vatican Archives!

6/28/2011 6:45:06 AM

Justanotheratheist

I very rarely feel sorry for the Pope, but I have to sympathise if the poor old sod has to read crap like that on a regular basis.

6/28/2011 7:25:31 AM

Mad_Jester

It is goddamn hilarious to think that some deluded, self-important asshole claiming to speak for God is making ridiculous, nonsensical demands- and for once, the Pope isn't on the 'supply' side of the ledger!

6/28/2011 7:32:18 AM

Jamaican Castle

@Justanotheratheist

Well, I'm sure the Pope has someone to screen his mail, toss all the crazies in the trash, maybe mail back some form letters.

If not, he's going to sorely wish he did when he reads this one...

6/28/2011 7:40:19 AM

Mister Spak

If you're god, why can't you do this your own omnipotent self?

6/28/2011 7:40:38 AM

Raised by Horses

Mr. President,

It is with the gravest of imperatives that I beseech you to install upon yourself and your cabinet staff holy artifacts which I have extracted with great pains from my nether regions*. I will continue to provide these as needed, but shall require of you that you provide me, your humble servant, with a lifetime supply of All-Bran breakfast cereal.

Yours sincerely,
The mayor of Crazytown

P.S.
*Find enclosed with this letter one (1) specimen of the aforementioned artifacts.

6/28/2011 7:55:05 AM

Berny

Whisky
Tango
Foxtrot
Over

6/28/2011 7:57:58 AM

Anon-e-moose



HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I WAS BROWSING THE INTERNET AFTER RAIDING YOUR MOTHERS CUNT WITH MY TREMENDOUS TWAT TUNNELLER, WHEN I SAW VOICES FROM SPIRIT FOR THE FIRST TIME. UPON ENTERING YOUR SERVANT IN HIS GREY PANTS, MY MASSIVE MANSNAKE TORE MY IMMACULATELY TAILORED TROUSERS, SMASHED MY COMPUTER MONITOR, AND BATHED THE REMAINS IN A STICKY SEA OF PLEASURE PETROL. INFURIATED, I USED MY TITANIC TICKLEROD TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR AND HUNTED DOWN YOUR LEADER, GERALD POLLEY. I FOUND HIM DICK-DIVING WITH HIS FRIENDS, AND PLUNGED MY ASS-SEEKING MEATMISSLE INTO HIS UNSUSPECTING PROSTATE. HE THRASHED IN AGONY, THEN IN ECSTASY AS MY POWERFUL PORK PYLON TORE HIS MORTAL BEING IN TWAIN, THEN HE DROWNED IN AN OCEAN OF SEMEN MIXED WITH HIS OWN BLOOD. OBVIOUSLY MISTAKING MY COLLOSAL CUM COLUMN FOR A SEA ANIMAL, HIS FUNDIE FUCKER BUM-BUDDIES WERE SO CONFUSED THAT THEY CAME BACK AND TOLD YOU RETARDS THAT GERALD WAS EATEN BY A SHARK. I GUARANTEE IT.

(PROTIP: The George Zimmer meme requires capslock)

6/28/2011 8:09:48 AM

LV426

I suddenly feel bad for whomever has to screen the Pope's mail. They must read literally hundreds of insane letters every day. The job must constitute a threat to mental health, even for them. I do hope they let the Pope read this one though. Just for the laugh.

6/28/2011 8:17:32 AM

Smurfette Principle

Anyway, he looks like a slob in a suit. I don't think so, but he does.

I just...

I can't...

BRB LAUGHING FOREVER

6/28/2011 8:35:23 AM



If you're God, why bother going through the Pope? Why not just say "Let there be black pants" or something?

6/28/2011 9:10:56 AM
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