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If I were the devil, my first mission would be to mount a major PR campaign, with appearances on talk shows, press conferences and public signings of my autobiography, plus copious amounts of community work to show everyone that I'm not really such a bad guy. I would also avidly read the Bible, FSTDT and 'Left Behind' in order to avoid doing the exact things I was expected to. These fundies really have no imagination.
9/17/2011 5:53:16 AM
If I was the devil, I'd sit back and giggle, seeing that christians are doing all the work for me.
9/17/2011 5:56:11 AM
TL;DR: Living in reality is sinful devil-work.
9/17/2011 5:56:52 AM
So you'd be truthful and honest?
9/17/2011 5:56:58 AM
Amazing how the devil does exactly what you hate isn't it, just like it is amazing your god hates exactly what you hate...kinda like he was all in your head.
If I was your satan I would rather corrupt the holy word and turn followers into evil versions of themselves who spew violence and hate and thus fail to meet gods word. Which would make you a follower of my version of satan.
9/17/2011 6:11:16 AM
Jezebel's Evil Sister
If I believed in a devil, he would be truly evil. He would wish the worst on his children, wanting them to suffer for his sake and eventually die an ignominious death, as by crucifixion.
He would create many groups in his name and then have them beat the shit out of each other, all in his name while claiming to be his True™ children.
He would want to keep all his children and followers stupid and dependent on one stupid little book rather than use their intelligence to figure things out. He would punish them for wanting to think independently and autonomously.
He would put deep-seated lies and hates within their social groups so that the men would oppress the women, the adults would beat the shit out of the children (tough love), and make sure that some would have most of the material goods by enslaving most of the others.
He would keep everyone enslaved through rituals, harshly imposed on children, and make sure that the words and songs are repetitive and mind-numbing. He would keep trying to have his followers ignore their senses, their experiences and the information in the universe they lived in.
He would have a few, mean manipulative representatives whose main role would be to keep all the others blind, bound, and in line.
That would be my bad guy, for starters. You want to call him Satan? OK. I'll call him god, allah, yaweh.
9/17/2011 6:13:56 AM
"Deeply Christian heritage..." like the fact that at the time of the Revolutionary War, fewer than 1/3 of Americans went to church every week. Or that the Founding Fathers were Anglicans, Deists, Quakers, and atheists.
"Sexual promiscuity..." like a devoted couple having sex only with each other, even though they're not currently married.
"Propaganda..." like messages saying that people are, in fact, supposed to love one another unconditionally, and that "as long as you remain celibate" is a condition and therefore not love.
9/17/2011 6:20:52 AM
@Jezebel's Evil Sister: Love your post. +1 for you, kind madam.
9/17/2011 6:24:01 AM
If I were Satan, I'd be sensible; I'd crush the humans with an army of the creatures that go bump in the night, since they won't believe it's happening until it's far too late. Revelation is too complicated and it'd be easy to fuck it up.
Also, in my off time I'd be writing love notes to Michael. Not his fault he had to smite me, the poor bastard.
9/17/2011 6:33:39 AM
Gee, if I were the devil I'd encourage people to read the bible, that would be enough.
9/17/2011 6:34:44 AM
Robert gets his letters posted in The Moonie Times? 'nuff said.
9/17/2011 6:38:23 AM
Heh. I don't think you know how sneaky the devil is.
Now see, if I were the devil, I would intend to hide myself in the place where most would not think to find me. I'd find a church, convince them I was a holy man, and become a pastor. With the newfound power, I would promote "divine" hatred in Jesus' name. I would seek to have anyone who disagrees with me demonized and slandered, labeled as 'heretics' and 'heathens'. I would effectively convince the masses that my way is the only way to get to heaven, and that my preachings are infallible. I would paint my God as a tyrant that will send the vast majority of the population to eternal torture to incite fear and terror amongst my congregation. I would use guilt to draw more followers and make those planning to leave feel like murderers and sadistic psychopaths for thinking of doing such. I would seek to promote the persecution and demonization of those I find unfavorable, such as gays and athiests, and effectively convince my followers that such bullying is "love". Finally, I'd sneer at the idea of a Democratic Republic and convince the masses that the Founding Fathers wanted a theocracy where my beliefs reign, because I am God's microphone.
9/17/2011 6:39:43 AM
"If you were the devil, what would be your most important mission, other than inventing false religions? It would be to corrupt innocent children."
No. It would be to realize that I'm fighting against an omnipotent fucking god and that absolutely nothing I do matters. While this god may let me piss around "stealin' souls," in the end it can snap its fingers, twitch its nose or whatever it is omnipotent gods do and undo every-fucking-thing I've done.
Upon realizing this none too obvious point (which escapes both you fundies and your made up Satan for some reason) I would spend my time more constructively.
"I’d start by kicking God out of the public schools and excising from textbooks the truth about America’s deeply Christian heritage."
Your god cannot be "kicked out" of anywhere. He's both omnipotent and omnipresent, remember?
And America has no "deeply Christian heritage" other than the fact that most people claim to be Christian.
"I’d get rid of glaringly obvious ties between Christianity and the Founders’ vision of unalienable rights and limited government."
You should read the Founders' writings. They had interesting things to say about your religion.
"Children would be indoctrinated to think of themselves as cosmic accidents of random mutation and survival of the fittest, not precious beings with eternal souls created in the image of God."
Show a "soul" or your god exist.
"Finally, I’d expose the kids to outright propaganda through clever websites designed to promote deviance and to brand anyone with any qualms, such as parents, as hate-filled bigots and bullies."
9/17/2011 6:47:37 AM
If I were "the devil" my mission would be... to be used to scare the ignorant into giving their money to preachers.
9/17/2011 7:06:22 AM
Someone hasn't read their bible
9/17/2011 7:16:49 AM
If I were the devil I'd be spending my time having musical duels with people over their souls. It seems much more fun than the standard operations.
9/17/2011 7:18:34 AM
"If you were the devil, what would be your most important mission, other than inventing false religions?"
It would be getting those false religions to take over good and moral countries. America was getting too good and moral for the devils liking, so he had his false religions establish the Heritage Foundation, Focus on the Family etc.
9/17/2011 7:20:55 AM
@Jezebel's Evil Sister:
:: golf clap ::
Game. Set. Match.
I have nothing to add, other than you said everything I was about to.
9/17/2011 7:41:52 AM
I’d get rid of glaringly obvious ties between Christianity and the Founders’ vision of unalienable rights and limited government.
What "glaringly obvious ties"? The Founders' vision came from the ideas of the Enlightenment - the replacement of religious mumbo-jumbo with actual observation and thought. It included inalienable rights, democratically elected government and keeping the church's nose out of both!
Nothing in the Bible suggests "inalienable rights" or democracy. The word "rights", inalienable or otherwise, never appears once. There is never any mention of democratically elected leaders.
9/17/2011 7:45:15 AM
You know what I'd do if I were the devil/an evil god?
I'd create a dualistic religion so hung up on good vs. evil and right vs. wrong that its sects splintered at the slightest provocation. I'd make perfectly natural urges "sins" so followers always felt indebted to me and felt like they HAD to save the delusional nonbelievers (or even rival sects!) from themselves.
I'd even throw a few miracles in for my believers, because offering the proverbial carrot now and then is always good for morale and keeps them convinced that their own religion is the One True Religion.
Then I'd sit back and watch the drama unfold with a cosmic bag of popcorn.
9/17/2011 7:49:21 AM
Well this repeats every single one of the Religious Right's lies. The US was not founded as a Christian nation-- how many times must we point to the Founders' own writings to prove it? Evolution is an established fact-- how many times must we show you all the millions of evidences? There is nothing evil about homosexuality-- how many times must we show you all the psychological papers demonstrating so?
You know what, just forget it. The Religious Right's lies have become so entrenched in American society that they will never disappear from the public consciousness. I wonder how it is that these ideas would be laughed out of Europe but are mainstream over here. Maybe Headache is right; maybe we Americans really are inherently inferior to the rest of the civilized world. I will consider it a waste of my life if the US population is still this terminally stupid before I reach retirement age.
9/17/2011 7:57:34 AM
The hilarious part is that his 'small' government would tell you what kind of sex is OK.
9/17/2011 8:09:02 AM
If you were the devil, what would be your most important mission, other than inventing false religions? It would be to corrupt innocent children.
So...chritianity is evil.
9/17/2011 8:11:41 AM
Yes, instead of corrupting having entire priesthoods molesting those said children, protecting with ridicilous amounts of money and power structure, that and amongst oh-so-many things christianity is guilty of.
9/17/2011 8:37:49 AM
It would take no effort to rewrite that vomitous diatribe to reflect exactly the kind of brainwashing the Christian Right is doing to their children.
It would have the added benefit of being true, which this rant isn't.
9/17/2011 8:39:35 AM
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