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Quote# 86879

[Post title: "Why God wants us to wait until marriage for sex"]

“Wait until marriage”. If you grew up in the church, you heard that ad infinitum. At every youth retreat. At every youth group activity. It was drilled into us.
Yet few of us did it. In the surveys I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that only about 40% of Christians were virgins on their wedding night. That means that 60% weren’t. And from their responses to the surveys, and from emails I get, it can have profound consequences on your sex life within marriage.

[...]

1. Sex Has A Different Meaning
Here’s the central issue: sex within marriage and sex outside of marriage are two very different things. Within marriage, sex is the combination of a spiritual, emotional, and physical union. It’s everything we are, because we’re committed to one another, and it’s expressing the sum total of that commitment. Outside of marriage, though, sex is primarily physical. It isn’t a spiritual union in the same way because there isn’t real commitment present–even if you are engaged. And so sex takes on a flavor that it really wasn’t intended to have.

[...]

2. Sex Feels Dirty
The other extremely common problem is that sex feels like it’s somehow wrong. When you have sex before you’re married, you know you’re not really supposed to. And so it’s something forbidden. Then, when you do get married, you feel as if you’re always getting second best. It would be so much better if we had waited. And, if you have any sexual problems or sexual issues, you start to feel like it’s all because you had sex beforehand. It would be bliss and we wouldn’t have all these problems if we had waited.

[...]

3. Sex Just Isn’t Good
When you have sex before you’re married, chances are it wasn’t a long, drawn out affair. There likely weren’t candles and flowers and lots of romance, the way you may picture your honeymoon or romantic interludes after you’re married. It was likely rather quick. It wasn’t necessarily something planned; it was something that “just happened”.

But if you both have experienced sex primarily in that way–when it is rushed, and hurried, then it likely became far more for him than it is for you. After all, for women to feel good, we tend to need a lot more time and care. It doesn’t really go well with the whole “getting carried away in the moment” thing.

[...]

4. Sex is No Longer Exciting
One last problem that many people encounter: sex is no longer exciting. I received an email from a man recently who said this:

"Before we were married, my wife (then fiancee) had sex with me all the time. She loved sex! We had a great physical life. Then we got married and it slowly stopped, to the point now where she has completely shut off. I feel as if she sucked me in under false pretences. She was saying, “look how great it’s going to be”, and then she turned into a cold fish. She lied to me!"

I understand the man’s comment, but I have to admit that I was a little perturbed. The man was a Christian, and he was saying that all of this was his wife’s fault, because she advertised something to him that she didn’t then follow through with.

However, sin is exciting. The forbidden has an allure. And so before you’re married, sometimes sex is very exciting. Then you get married, and it’s no longer forbidden. And you start to feel guilty for what you did. So you can begin to shut down.

Sheila Wray Gregoire, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum 42 Comments [4/13/2012 2:24:47 PM]
Fundie Index: 53
Submitted By: Matty-chan
WTF?! || meh
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Nicole

Unfortunately, waiting until marriage for sex will not stop #4 from happening; it will only delay it.

And #2 is only a problem because people like Sheila shame people for having pre-marital sex.

4/13/2012 2:54:04 PM

Tatsukun

LOL, someone can't get any from someone he's not related to!

4/13/2012 3:15:05 PM

Xotan

Let's be honest. You fancy someone else! Get a divorce and have sex with the other person without getting wed. That way there is no sin except fornication, which, in any event is what having sex with an unwanted husband or wife amounts to.

4/13/2012 3:16:40 PM

Reckoner

Remember kids, marriage certificates are Magic!

Also, that 40% number is waaaaay too high. It's probably closer to 15 or 20%.

4/13/2012 3:17:16 PM

cptspith

My experience directly and completely disproves every one of your points. You're just not doing it right.

4/13/2012 3:23:25 PM

SaneChick

How does this person know how my sex life feels?

Has he put a camera in my bedroom?

Perv!!!!

If you're going to snoop, at least try to get my emotions right. I love my sex life, and what you say is total bullshit.

4/13/2012 3:30:13 PM

Mad_Jester

Point 1 is bullshit. Points 2 & 3 are laughable bullshit. And point 4 contradicts the first three.

Yep, Fundie logic at work.

4/13/2012 3:34:55 PM

Brendan Rizzo

Funny how that's only believed in highly religious societies, ain't it?

4/13/2012 3:43:52 PM

checkmate

I found that only about 40% of Christians were virgins on their wedding night. That means that 60% weren’t.

No, it means 39% were lying through their teeth.

Either that or they were really, really fat and fugly. But since according to research 80% of christians who "grew up in the church" are obese, that's not a strong argument.

I'll stick with the assumption that 39% gave you a bullshit answer on your survey.

2. Sex Feels Dirty

Sticky at times, but not dirty. ;-)

4/13/2012 4:22:53 PM



"The other extremely common problem is that sex feels like it’s somehow wrong."

And it never occurred to you that might have something to do with you fundies drilling it into their heads that sex is wrong?

You even alluded to that brainwashing at the beginning of your nonsense.

4/13/2012 4:41:53 PM



"The other extremely common problem is that sex feels like it’s somehow wrong."

And it never occurred to you that might have something to do with you fundies drilling it into their heads that sex is wrong?

You even alluded to that brainwashing at the beginning of your nonsense.

4/13/2012 4:45:28 PM

Reynardine

Several contradictions in this screed, from which I can only conclude God wants us to wait until we're married, so sex is too dull to be sinful.

4/13/2012 4:48:08 PM

Godlesspanther

"And, if you have any sexual problems or sexual issues, you start to feel like it’s all because you had sex beforehand..."

If you have a brain you will realize that it is a result of being indoctrinated with bullshit.

4/13/2012 5:47:12 PM

Mayhem

1. Sex is sticking your dick into a hole (usually a vagina) and cumming into it. Anything else is gravy. (Not literally gravy, mind you. Unless you're into that...)

2. It only feels wrong because religious propaganda has made it out to be so. Also, pretty much everyone masturbates in their adolescence, so even if they don't have sex before marriage, they're still getting second best.

3. There likely isn't candles and flowers for many couples' honeymoon. The quick and awkward stuff happens the first time anyone has sex, so that's the way it'll be on the honeymoon for anyone "saving themselves for marriage."

4. That happens in all marriages. You really expect that a couple will be happily humping every night for the next 50 years just because they waited until marriage? You can't eat apple pie every night of your life and not get tired of it occasionally, even if you love apple pie.

4/13/2012 7:52:19 PM

Adrian

Sorry to burst your bubble, Sheila, but it seems pretty obvious that the root of all the "problems" you mentionned is the religious brainwashing you underwent and the unreasonable expectations of sex and love/romance you developped as a result.

In real life, having had a witch-doctor give you the OK from the Great Beard In The Sky doesn't make your rutting particularly speshul, Xian brainwashing nicely explains sex feeling dirty, and as for sex not being good/no longer being exciting, that's a common problem, no need to blame not waiting for marriage for your crappy sex-life.

Seriously, if you believe that you were cursed with mediocre sex as punishment for breaking a religious taboo, you aren't likely to find the actual reason for your problems, nevermind fixing them.

4/13/2012 8:21:21 PM

Extraintrovert

1. People have always had sex outside of marriage, or with "forbidden" partners, or whatever else the current societal trends deem wrong and icky. We are a sexual species, and the vast majority of us are going to have sex no matter what. As long as everyone is both fully consenting and fully aware of and prepared for the potential consequences, it doesn't hurt anyone. Spreading lies and misinformation, and keeping people deliberately ignorant, however, hurts everyone.

2. "Virginity" is an archaic, hopelessly obsolete concept deeply routed in the patriarchies of old. It is impossible to lose something ("virginity", "innocence", whatever) by doing something new (sex). Furthermore there are lots of ways to have sex, so one person's "losing virginity moment" could be completely different to someone else's. By using the term without even acknowledging this, you already fail.

3. Sex is always awkward and clumsy and maybe even painful the first time. As with everything, the only way to get better is with practice (fortunately, the practice can be lots of fun), and the idea that someone's first time can be magical or special is a lie perpetuated by chauvinist men and self-loathing women. A wedding certificate doesn't change that.

4. You are a moron.

Did I miss anything?

4/13/2012 8:49:01 PM



"When you have sex before you’re married, chances are it wasn’t a long, drawn out affair. There likely weren’t candles and flowers and lots of romance, the way you may picture your honeymoon or romantic interludes after you’re married. It was likely rather quick. It wasn’t necessarily something planned; it was something that “just happened”.


Uh, no. That would be sex with someone who's so fucked up by sex-before-marriage-is-a-sin brainwashing that they have to get it over with as quickly as possible to make sure they don't get caught, and so they can return to their state of denial.



4/13/2012 8:59:30 PM

Apatheist

#1 Tell that to all those ladies who have sex and fall in love.

#2 This is due to puritanical ideas on sex that have lasted even to this modern age. If you'll notice, Europe, who was not initially populated by puritans, has much less problems with nudity and sexuality in general.

#3 Marriage is the death of romance. The last best taste you're likely to get is the honeymoon, after that, it's all down hill.

#4 Remember #3, it also applies here.

4/13/2012 9:08:38 PM

Thinking Allowed

Having sex outside of marriage is one of those forgivable sins. Why wait?

4/13/2012 9:17:20 PM

Orion

First times are never magical. They can be long drawn-out affairs, but that's not a feature, it's usually an issue.

re: #2 sex also feels dirty because it would be embarrassing if someone walked in on you.

4/13/2012 9:47:22 PM

Justanotheratheist

Dirty? Guilty?

Fuck off. I've never felt that way about it, even when having sex with my then girlfriend while she was legally still married to someone else. Ten years later and inevitably we don't do it as often as we used to (which is just as well, at my age!) but who cares? There's more to a relationship than fucking seven nights a week.

4/14/2012 1:21:57 AM

rubber chicken

Please tell us more about the man who was 'sucked in' by his wife.

4/14/2012 1:33:05 AM

michael3ov

"The other extremely common problem is that sex feels like it’s somehow wrong."

Yes because you beat this nonsense into peoples heads from the time they are children.

4/14/2012 4:17:39 AM

Pule Thamex

Sex is like atheism in that it is impervious to bigotry and abusive priests. Sex will overcome the evil trickery of religion and the manipulative obsessions of its dreaded followers.

To all lovers of sex I say, it's even better when you are an atheist as well.

4/14/2012 4:31:42 AM

Gawd

40% my ass; more like 10%. And remember kids, that intense, ever-present sex drive that God gave you? He wants you to ignore it.

4/14/2012 5:35:47 AM
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