Home Archives Random Quotes Latest Comments Top 100 Submit Quote Search Log In

Quote# 87165

How You Can Prevent Alien and Military Abductions

1. Ask God to send angelic protection for the house that we were living in and to seal it off from the attacks of the enemy.

“Heavenly Father, in the name of The Lord Jesus Christ, I ask you in Jesus name to please send hundreds, hundreds, hundreds and hundreds of billions of legions of angels to surround and encamp around this house and within striking distance of this house and set up angelic shields, protective devices, impenetrable force fields and angels to seal this house off from creation.

In Jesus name Father I ask you to send angels to bind up all the free demons trapped inside this house when the shield is closed and to send them to where you want them to go, in Jesus name.

In Jesus name Father I ask you to break, destroy, cut, dissolve, and sever every line of remote viewing, energy drain, energy supply, remote influence, command and control and surveillance that the enemy would try to put through this shield. In Jesus name, Father I ask you to make this shield impregnable to all the attacks of the enemy”.

Michael Relfe, Educate Yourself 81 Comments [5/1/2012 3:20:28 AM]
Fundie Index: 93
Submitted By: zipperback
WTF?! || meh
Username:
Comment:



1 2 3 4
Professor Cold Heart

It workd! I've tried that and have never once been abducted by either aliens or the military.

5/1/2012 3:38:46 AM

breakerslion

How many angels can dance on a sheet of aluminum foil?

Free demons? Where can I get one?

5/1/2012 3:40:24 AM

rubber chicken

So if God rations you to only, say, tens of billions of angels, does that mean that you're fucked ?

5/1/2012 3:54:47 AM

Jim T

Why does this sound like a game of command and conquer?

5/1/2012 4:13:18 AM

Reynardine

This is just sad.

5/1/2012 4:21:56 AM



a two-fer

5/1/2012 4:23:14 AM

Canadiest

Awww, The neighborhood kids picking on the loser again?
Sounds like someone who's decided he's never leaving Moms basement again.

5/1/2012 4:23:16 AM

Arctic Knight

I prayed to the great Orinthalu to protect my house from elephant attacks. After all these years, there hasn't been a single elephant within 50 miles of my house. Prayer to Orinthalu works!

5/1/2012 4:23:56 AM

WWBFD

"In Jesus name Father I ask you to break, destroy, cut, dissolve, and sever..."

Does God not have his own thesaurus?

What is it with these religious types and long lists of synonyms?

5/1/2012 4:32:32 AM

shykid

"Heavenly Father, in the name of The Lord Jesus Christ, I ask you in Jesus name to please send hundreds, hundreds, hundreds and hundreds of billions of legions of angels to surround and encamp around this house"

Do you honestly believe you're that important?

5/1/2012 4:34:50 AM

rookie

I'd rather call X-Com and hope they don't destroy half my house.

5/1/2012 4:35:07 AM

rookie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEVBDiHt84k Here, this explains it.

5/1/2012 4:37:32 AM

Percy Q. Shunn


5/1/2012 4:39:02 AM

Darkevilme

Clearly if your enemies are that intent on getting you and everyone is allowed fictional beings on their side then they'll just send the Saint of Killers.

Saint trumps heavenly armies, it's happened before.

5/1/2012 5:01:22 AM

Binky

I realise god is supreme and all powerful and all, but hundreds and hundreds of billions of legions of angels for just your house? That just doesn't sound necessary.

I also wonder if he thinks he's calling in a divine airstrike or something, with all this talk of severing energy drain, energy supply, command and control and surveillance links.

Edit: Actually, just read their website. It's total gold. Apparently as well as just asking god to generally protect you, you also need to specifically ask him to prevent the enemy's use of: jump gates, time travel, teleportation AND transportation technology, dimensional travel, wormhole travel, resonance travel, magic and "walk-thru-walls" technology. Oh, and make sure to include the regular, fractal, living and living fractal variants of all of the above.

Wait, there's more! you also need to ask for protection against enemy "senders" (and fractal, living machine and fractal living machine variants of them), implant technology, sleep rays, remote viewing , radionics, psychotronics, psionics, death signals and disease signals.

5/1/2012 5:27:12 AM

gargoyle1

"All of us to protect this one guy's house? Man, this job sucks!"

5/1/2012 5:36:14 AM

ChrisInManc

"Ask God to send angelic protection for the house that we were living in and to seal it off from the attacks of the enemy."

Well that's all well and good, but what about the house you ARE living in??? Seems a bit pointless really...

5/1/2012 5:39:30 AM

dionysus

I ask you in Jesus name to please send hundreds, hundreds, hundreds and hundreds of billions of legions of angels to surround and encamp around this house and within striking distance of this house and set up angelic shields, protective devices, impenetrable force fields and angels to seal this house off from creation.

If you have impenetrable force fields why do you need hundreds of billions of angels? Also, this sounds like a prayer from a five year old, not a full-grown adult. All you need is to throw in something about shooting lasers and an "I'm rubber, you're glue" clause.

5/1/2012 5:43:56 AM

Filin De Blanc

Why would the military be trying to abduct me?

5/1/2012 5:44:34 AM

Mister Spak

Or you could do this:
Protection from Evil Abjuration [Good]
Level: Clr 1, Good 1, Pal 1, Sor/Wiz 1
Components: V, S, M/DF
Casting time: 1 standard action
Range: Touch
Target: Creature touched
Duration: 1 min./level (D)
Saving Throw: Will negates (harmless)
Spell Resistance: No; see text


This spell wards a creature from attacks by evil creatures, from mental control, and from summoned creatures. It creates a magical barrier around the subject at a distance of 1 foot. The barrier moves with the subject and has three major effects.

First, the subject gains a +2 deflection bonus to AC and a +2 resistance bonus on saves. Both these bonuses apply against attacks made or effects created by evil creatures.

Second, the barrier blocks any attempt to possess the warded creature (by a magic jar attack, for example) or to exercise mental control over the creature (including enchantment (charm) effects and enchantment (compulsion) effects that grant the caster ongoing control over the subject, such as dominate person). Likewise, the barrier keeps out a possessing life force but does not expel one if it is in place before the spell is cast. This second effect works regardless of alignment.

Third, the spell prevents bodily contact by summoned creatures. This causes the natural weapon attacks of such creatures to fail and the creatures to recoil if such attacks require touching the warded creature. Good summoned creatures are immune to this effect. The protection against contact by summoned creatures ends if the warded creature makes an attack against or tries to force the barrier against the blocked creature. Spell resistance can allow a creature to overcome this protection and touch the warded creature.

Arcane Material Component: A little powdered silver with which you trace a 3-foot -diameter circle on the floor (or ground) around the creature to be warded.


5/1/2012 5:58:36 AM

Gawd


Oh, so THIS is how you prevent alien abductions. I'd been doing it all wrong.

5/1/2012 6:05:37 AM

WWWWolf

> In Jesus name Father I ask you to break, destroy, cut, dissolve, and sever every line of remote viewing, energy drain, energy supply, remote influence, command and control and surveillance that the enemy would try to put through this shield. In Jesus name, Father I ask you to make this shield impregnable to all the attacks of the enemy”.

And at this point, some confused soldier walks in and says "mmbl-eh? someone say somethin'?"

5/1/2012 6:19:02 AM

Doubting Thomas

And while these hundreds of billions of angels are protecting your house from aliens, evil is running amok unchecked elsewhere. Hope you can sleep well at night knowing that someone got knifed in a mugging in a dark alley somewhere because you were afraid of an alien anal probe and had to summon so many angels to protect you.

5/1/2012 6:43:55 AM

Nicole

Michael Relfe proves that the existence of aliens does not in fact threaten Christianity in any significant way.

They'll just decide they're demons or something.

5/1/2012 6:48:34 AM

The Duelist

And the name of the OP? "Educate Yourself".

The Irony!! My meter is gone! NOOOOOOOOOO!!

5/1/2012 7:01:03 AM
1 2 3 4