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Quote# 89872

I was 23 years old. (I know that was back in the Bronze Age, but divination hasn’t changed.) I was addicted to a Ouija board. I had people driving 100 miles to put their hands on the glass object, ask the board questions, and have it spell out answers. I was so good at it that the glass object could move with no hands on it.

It made predictions and many of them came true. It instilled power in me that was stunning. The glass object that spelled out words would often spin around the board in a frenzy, and it was always talking about dark, evil things. All predictions were negative. It scared many participants. It has supernatural power, but since it is of the devil, not all predictions came true because the devil does not know the future.

When I asked the board where it got its power, it spelled S-A-T-A-N.

One evening I put the board away and felt a presence in my apartment. I did not want to open my eyes because I knew I would see a demon.

If you think I am doing this for sensationalism, I can tell you that it has not been easy reliving my experience. I do it only to spare some of you from my mistakes.


Jan Markell, defending contending 84 Comments [10/2/2012 3:39:22 AM]
Fundie Index: 82
Submitted By: Tony
WTF?! || meh
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farpadokly

Reading the article, there's mention of Twilight and Harry Potter.
I stick by my thesis that the reason fundamentalists don't want their kids watching, or even knowing about, paranormal-themed films and shows is that they might thereby realise that the supernatural is FICTIONAL, and they might start applying that idea to what they're being taught in church and home school.

10/2/2012 2:38:13 PM

Alencon

It never ceases to amaze me that these people are incapable of telling fact from fancy.

I suspect Jan has actually, over time, convinced herself that what she's saying really happened.

Sort of like Gollum convincing himself that the ring was his birthday present.

10/2/2012 4:09:31 PM

Wehpudicabok

thats funny

when i try ouija all i get is drawings of dicks that look like this

and the other guy is an alien so i dont even know how he knows what they look like but whatever

anyway point is magic is fake as shit and youre a liar

10/2/2012 4:31:58 PM

craig

Too many bad hoorror movies!

10/2/2012 4:36:42 PM

Atheissimo

According to these testimonies, the sheer number of number of wanton homosexual crack-whores and for-realsies baby eating satanists turned Fundie Christian Johnny-do-rights seems far above what you'd expect from a bunch of normal people

Something isn't right in the Bible Belt

10/2/2012 4:49:32 PM

tracer

"One evening I put the board away and felt a presence in my apartment. I did not want to open my eyes because I knew I would see a demon."


You know, Jan, I hear that antipsychotic medications have come a long way in the last few decades. You might want to get checked out for paranoid schizophrenia.

10/2/2012 5:26:56 PM

LDM

Puh-leeeze!! Satanic Ouija boards are soooo 80's. Get with the times, at least say Satan talked to you through your Wii or something.

10/2/2012 6:02:26 PM

Topper

We atheists are so good at using the Ouija board that we actually move it with our own hands, and we control what it says. We are more powerful than satan who sometimes gets it wrong and helplessly "spin the glass."

10/2/2012 6:12:08 PM

Evilution Teacher

When I asked myself, what do I smell I answered B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

10/2/2012 7:23:05 PM

Iczer-four

My Ouija board is powered by pinkie pie.

10/2/2012 7:48:13 PM

I say

H-U-M-B-U-G

10/3/2012 12:38:20 AM

John_in_Oz

If this is true, we could attach magnets to the self-moving 'glass object parts' of hundreds of Ouija boards. This could generate environmentally friendly, non-polluting, Greenhouse free, Satan-powered energy!

10/3/2012 1:08:33 AM

Radaghast

Since when did OUIJA boards come with complimentary L.S.D.?

10/3/2012 2:51:23 AM

WWWWolf

> One evening I put the board away and felt a presence in my apartment. I did not want to open my eyes because I knew I would see a demon.

Awwww. Had you only opened your eyes, you would have seen it is just a puppy dog that farted as it came to the room. And you made it sad. All it wanted was to play!

10/3/2012 3:53:45 AM

Paler_Face

I was so good at it that the glass object could move with no hands on it.

I call bullshit. Telepathy does not work.

It made predictions and many of them came true.

Go Go Gadget Confermation Bias!

the rest of the rant

Go see a psychiatrist.

10/3/2012 3:58:24 AM

KittyKaboom

SpukiKitty:

The bit about 'Lying for the LOOOOOOORD' and 'Crock of Ages' almost made me blow coffee all over my laptop.

Very giggly. :o)


10/3/2012 5:33:26 AM

Dr.Shrinker

@ Paler_Face

"I was so good at it that the glass object could move with no hands on it.

I call bullshit. Telepathy does not work."

- Actually what she is describing is telekinesis.

Telekinesis doesn't work either.

10/3/2012 6:04:51 AM

kuribo

ah, so you're a lying sack of rat shit. Got it.


What the hell kinda occult tool is marketed by fucking Parker Brothers, jizz genius?

10/3/2012 6:57:24 AM

John_in_Oz

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."

~ Kurt Vonnegut

10/3/2012 9:49:34 AM

JB Mason

Hahah this old shit again. I still remember laughing my ass off reading "John Todd Collins" back in the early 90s...

10/3/2012 9:56:01 AM

hagdyfglw

I have an Ouija Board hanging on my wall. Moronic Christians have asked me to take it down. I told them to fuck off. The End.

10/3/2012 1:28:26 PM

Ebon

Lying for Jesus.

10/3/2012 5:21:31 PM

Quantum Mechanic

"I was 23 years old. I was addicted to a Ouija board."


People this dismally stupid should be culled earlier.

10/3/2012 5:23:23 PM

Nowonmai

You are a lying sack of shit.

10/3/2012 5:55:54 PM

Hastur the unspeakable

A Ouija Board. Thats cute. And 23 years old, most girls grow out of that supernatural stage by the time they are sixteen.

10/3/2012 9:06:41 PM
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