Rising costs of Hell could force
inmates out on the streets
Thursday, February 21, 2004
Posted: 1:25 PM EST
Hades, The Underworld - Faced with budget cuts
and an unexpected rise in oil prices, the fires of Hell may soon be
extinguished, a leaked Department of Justice report confirms.
Satan gleefully explains the budget
conundrum.
The secret memo, which outlines chronic funding gaps
and recent increases in operating costs, implies the problem of
bankruptcy is far closer than previously supposed. It concludes with a
statement that "... at current operating costs, only a few millennia
remain until Hell becomes prohibitively expensive."
Political reactions to the leak have so far been
mixed. On Capitol Hill, several Democratic lawmakers, speaking on
condition of anonymity, explained they suspected this would happen for
eons. "I was personally reproached and accused of being
unpatriotic for voicing doubts about the effectiveness and cost of
God's correctional facilities," one member of the minority party
reported.
Questioned on the mysterious petroleum shortage, several OPEC countries' representatives stated no plans to increase
output were currently being discussed. Lingering but unproven
suspicion remains that Satan colluded with several Arab states to
bring about this crisis.
Congress has called an emergency session to deal with
the situation. Proposed bill H.R. 4311, "The Eternal
Justice Budget Crisis Resolution Act," aims to solve the problem
through a variety of means. Among its provisions are marginal increases
in funding, increased spending accountability, and cost reductions by
substituting the traditional sulphur, brimstone and fire of Hell with
some of the following:
Water torture. The most cost-effective of the
proposed solutions, this low-tech Oriental solution would need
almost no startup costs at all.
The medieval rack. Disadvantages include the cost
and difficulty of finding and training enough people to correctly
use this instrument on their (former) friends. 52% of medieval
fundamentalists have already volunteered, but the sharp rise in
populations would require many more.
Impaling.
Proponents of this choice argue "... if it was good enough for
Vlad Dracula, it's good enough for God." Advantages include
the low cost and common availability of large stakes.
Crucifixion. "The irony of applying a
punishment such as this to the anti-Christian faggots should be
deliciously obvious," commented a foaming-at-the mouth Fred
Phelps.
"The Prometheus Treatment." Side
benefits of this proposal, first used by Zeus in days long past,
include simultaneously providing a protected area of land and
never-ending food supply for the endangered Bald Eagle.
Proposed financial solutions
being read in Congress.
Extended total sensory deprivation, a form of torture used
with great effect by Soviet intelligence agencies. In some
branches of Christianity, described with the euphemism
"separation from God."
Chairs, shackles and endless reruns of The 700
Club. Disadvantages include high pricing of big-screen
television sets and loudspeakers (preferable for maximum effect). Moreover, even
God, normally the most vehement proponent of tough-on-sin
policies, expressed reservations about torturing people that
much.
Civil libertarians have condemned the act as providing
for some of the most gruesome punishments on innocent people ever
devised. Evangelical leaders counter with "What, you want to give
them a second chance at redemption or something?.. Jesus never said
anything about that."
Analysts expect the hodgepodge of a bill to be easily defeated on the House
floor. Barring another solution, Hell will likely go bankrupt and
close its doors in only 13,666 years.
The geological effects of Hell freezing over
"could be disastrous," according to environmental groups.
The Union of
Concerned Scientists issued a press release stating that
"Preventing Hell's collapse is of utmost importance for ensuring
the continued survival of humanity." Current
geologic theory holds that the earth's magnetic field, considered
vital for shielding the planet from harmful cosmic radiation, occurs as
a result of the earth's spinning molten core.
Pat Robertson, head of the Christian Broadcasting
Network, went on record stating that "This is just incredible...
to think, that convicted sinners could be released from the eternal
suffering they so deserve just because of a budget crisis." He
also pledged to use "every means at [his] disposal" to
ensure Hell continued operating, ranging from asking viewers of his
networks for additional donations to "cutting down wood for the
flames myself if I have to."
Neighboring regions of the underworld are concerned
with the social effects of a mass exodus from Hell. As Rye Bloodhelm of Valhalla
stated, "Even though I sympathize with these innocent victims of
the dysfunctional judicial system, we simply don't have enough mead
and horsemeat for them."
The United Nations has weighed in, stating that
incompetent handling of the crisis could cause a profound humanitarian
disaster reminiscent of the ugliest days of the Titan/Olympian war;
their unanimously-approved resolution also called on God to "Fix
the problem You created."
