Omniscience declared unconstitutional; ZEALOT Act struck down

Thursday, February 12, 2004
Posted: 4:14 PM EST

Heaven, Dimension X - Yesterday, in an unprecedented move lauded by civil libertarians, the Supreme Being Court struck down the primordial ZEALOT Act that originally legislated God's omniscience.

The Supreme Being Court deliberating.

In a 7-5 ruling, reality's highest independent court stated "[t]he right to privacy alluded to in several amendments of the Paradise Constitution stands in direct contrast to the wide-ranging and unnecessarily broad investigative powers carelessly granted by the ZEALOT Act." 

The ruling drew on several independent lines of reasoning. Citing Matthew 5:28, "...anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart," the Court argued the Act allowed celestial thought police and a wide variety of similarly dangerous precedents. 

The "Zealous Edict Authorizing Legal Obtainment of Thoughts" Act stealthily passed the Heavenly Host Congress almost 96 trillion years ago. Hastily compiled under pretense of a War on Rebellion, it gave the divine branch of the government unencumbered powers of surveillance and permeating knowledge that extended to all areas of reality.  

As both sides were making their closing arguments, representatives of several monotheistic religions, as well as civil liberties groups like the Eden Civil Liberties Union, gathered outside the steps in protest and expectation. 

When it was over, a shocked Rev. Jerry Falwell again blamed "The abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, pagans and secularizers..." for "helping make this happen." When someone in the crowd pointed out none of them had any influence in Heaven, he once again retracted the statement.  

A panel of Nobel Prize-winning scientists agreed with the ruling, issuing an official statement arguing that "omniscience logically implies determinism and makes attempts to change the future futile."

Adam, original human and head of the ECLU, declared that this day was a great victory for civil liberties and justice. His eloquent speech against "the totalitarianism of the current Administration," in which he described his difficult childhood resulting from a "draconian punishment for taking a damn apple", left the crowd in tears. Privately, however, a few expressed concerns that God had foreseen and planned this in advance to generate a public outcry that would allow Him to replace liberal justices appointed by His predecessor. 

Chief Justice Crion latter publicly defended the ruling, stating that the Act effectively removed any checks and balances the government had by giving God unlimited access to the thoughts, plans and locations of those who disagreed with him. "What's more, omniscience would let one know how to carefully but surely manipulate those thoughts in any desired direction just by providing the right input," he remarked. 

St. Philip gives a press conference

At a press conference today, God's lawyer, Philip the Apostle, told reporters they would appeal. "Unfortunately, with God, one day is as a thousand years," he begrudgingly commented, "So this will probably take a few eons to get sorted out." 

When asked about his Administration's alleged ties to questionable tax investigations, he gave an ambiguous response and ended the conference, citing time constraints. 

Several hours after the ruling, St. Matthew, head of the Infernal Revenue Service, announced these audits would be carried out on all archangels who voted to axe the ZEALOT Act. These were immediately attacked as "obvious witch hunts... [whose] intention [is] to divert attention from this Administration's latest scandal" by an anonymous Justice. 

Opposition leader Beelzebub applauded the move, saying that it was a step in the right direction but didn't do enough. "With the knowledge my old enemy obtained in the meanwhile, he no doubt understands all the legal tricks in the book and could get it back," said the fallen angel. 

God himself was unavailable for comment, as always.