How do you tell your child that your life is more relaxed when he is out of the house?

My adult son, captured almost eight years ago by trans ideology, still lives at home. He already had mental health issues and this cult has affected his ability to work. He can’t seem to move out. Right or wrong, I do not yet have the strength to force him out (but that’s a topic for another piece).

So, when he goes off on a week-long staycation with the romantic interest he’s hooked up with, another young man captured by the cult, who lives overseas, my house breathes.

I am less stressed not seeing him with his long, unruly hair, the septum piercing, the clothing that leans toward feminine and his effected mannerisms. The relief from not having it in my face every day is palpable.

Also, when my trans-identified son leaves the house, this younger brother, who still lives at home as well, is freed from self-imposed exile in his room or the basement. He’s free to interact with his parents without his brother coming into his view.

My younger son refuses to be in the same room with his “trans” brother. He is so angry and turned off by the effects of hormones and social “transitioning.” He will peek into the family room to see if it’s “safe,” and only then come in to enjoy watching something together.

So, when the text came to my phone informing me my son would be home tonight, when I had mistakenly thought I had another two days of relative peace, my heart sank.

The guilt and self-loathing at that emotion loom large in my heart. This is my child, the one who made me a mother, and yet I am dismayed that he is coming home from what was a quiet week of exhalation.

How do I impart to my child that his very presence causes a tension in the house that we all dread?

I suppose I am one of the “lucky” ones whose child has not decided to estrange himself from his non-affirming family.

But I don’t feel lucky.

I feel on edge, waiting for the door to open and my family to fracture once again.

How do I live with that burden?